


I won't let go (at any price)

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Anxiety, Drag Queens, Eventual Romance, F/F, Gay Bashing, Gay Rights, HIV/AIDS, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Non-Graphic Violence, Original Character Death(s), Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, ball culture, references to the get down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-14 03:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11774535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: It's the summer of 1981 in New York and Bucky is trying, really trying. He's working hard as a line cook to support himself and struggling to stay in contact with his sister in L.A., all while fighting to suppress his sexuality. He meets Stevie that summer and falls into the world he's been hiding from his entire life; enter ball culture, new wave music, and Aqua Net. Through music, self expression, and Stevie, Bucky finds the freedom that comes with self acceptance. In the midst of it all, the AIDS epidemic breaks out and with it comes a surge in the persecution of the LGBT community. Nothing is easy, and the cost of being yourself is high.





	I won't let go (at any price)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that is heavy with possible triggers, so please read the tags and the summary carefully before proceeding, because the last thing I want to do is harm anyone. I've written this as a reminder of things that have happened within the LGBTQA+ community, but I'd like to say that in no way was I part of these events (seeing as I wasn't born until the late 90s) and I've based this off of carefully done research, so it isn't 100% accurate. I apologize if anything you read offends you, but I do hope that if you end up reading this you enjoy it!
> 
> Art [1](http://imgur.com/a/t3NAF) and [2](https://captvinbarnes.tumblr.com/post/164404949667/first-kiss-from-i-wont-let-go-at-any-price-for) by [captvinbarnes](https://captvinbarnes.tumblr.com/)  
> [cover](http://i.imgur.com/fSVUn6C.jpg/) and [art](http://stuckypocketguide.tumblr.com/post/164409188597/its-sbb-time-again-here-is-one-of-the-two-fics-i/) by [stuckypocketguide](http://stuckypocketguide.tumblr.com/)  
> [Art](https://buckybarnesbutt.tumblr.com/post/164402825459/my-art-for-fuckyfarnes-stucky-big-bang-fic-i) by [buckybarnesbutt](https://buckybarnesbutt.tumblr.com/)  
> edited by [captvinbarnes](https://captvinbarnes.tumblr.com/)  
> 

At first, it was just a glimpse; a flash of honey blond hair and cornflower blue eyes streaking by him and turning the corner. Bucky pretended like he wasn't intrigued and went about his day.

  
Then there was more. The guy was small, much smaller than him, and had an odd bounce to his step. It was flouncy and reminded him of how the girls walked when they were trying to catch someone's eye, like they were balanced on something round. Bucky was entranced by the way he moved even though he knew deep down that he shouldn't have been.  
  
He saw him every night on his way back from work. He was always rushing somewhere and never slowed for a second, like the world was waiting for him. Bucky wanted to grab him by his delicate wrist when he passed him and spin him so that he could see his face properly. It was driving him crazy that he didn't know him. He hadn't been that crazed since Heather Martin had flashed her skirt up and shown him her fishnets but hadn't let him touch her. It was an odd fascination that he refused to acknowledge no matter how desperate he started to feel.  
  
After about a month of being passed by it finally happened. The guy ran by him and slowed a few paces ahead. He turned his head and revealed his bright pink cheeks, big pink lips, stunning blue eyes, and flawless skin. He had some sort of glittery eyeshadow around his eyes that caught the dim glow from the streetlight and made Bucky's breath catch. He was more beautiful than any girl he'd ever seen, hell, than any _person_ in general. His blue eyes crinkled at the corners and he smiled a little, winked, and ran away.  
  
He had Bucky right then.  
  
Every night after that he slowed down and glanced back at him, stared for a bit longer and smiled a little wider. Every night Bucky was captivated just a bit more. It got to the point where the man was teasing him with soft twists of his skinny hips and biting his full lips just so. Bucky got uncomfortably hard every time and he felt sick with himself. Being attracted to another man was disgusting and _wrong_ — his father had told him that and he knew best of all, but he couldn't stop himself from wanting him even though he knew nothing about him other than how beautiful he was.  
  
The first time he followed him, it was an accident. He was caught up in his light steps and sways and didn't notice that he was no longer on the route home. He followed him down streets that weren't anywhere near where he was supposed to be and continued to watch, drinking in every movement. When he stopped walking and looked up he found himself in the known queer part of town and blanched. Horror set in and he saw the surprise on the man's face. He flushed and turned, sprinting away and pretending that he hadn't been there at all.  
  
A second time came and then a third, a fourth and fifth. During the day he forced himself not to think about the stranger and how he was slowly beginning to want to go deeper into the area with him. When night came and he passed him, Bucky continuously followed. He couldn't stop himself from moving toward him or from wanting him. It was wrong—so, so wrong— and yet he couldn't stop. He was trapped and instead of struggling to get away he was letting himself sink deeper.  
  
Bucky had more self control than the average man. He went to school with the nuns and listened to his father. He learned right from wrong, how to handle himself appropriately and all of the necessary skills to be an adult. But this guy, dubbed Blue-eyes, was testing all of that and he hadn't even done anything. His very existence was enough to make Bucky lose focus and nearly fall to his knees under the weight of the want inside of him. No matter how hard he scrubbed at himself in the shower he couldn't make himself feel clean and proper again. The worst part was, he didn't really want to.  
  
It was rare that Bucky got off work early, but when he did, he usually decided to go out. That night was his first early night in two weeks so he was going to make the most of it. He got dressed up and did his hair, gave himself a once over and a tiny pep talk, then headed out. He was on his way to one of the packed night clubs that he hated when he heard a faint wolf whistle, his stomach coiling tight. He was on that street again. Bucky turned and found Blue-eyes staring at him, smiling like a cat eyeing a canary.  
  
"Man, you look good cleaned up," Blue-eyes said, walking up to him slowly. "I thought you would. But personally, I like my men a little rough around the edges." The way he said _men_ made Bucky's heart race. It sounded like a dirty word, one that contained an unsightly amount of desire. "Get a look at you," Blue-eyes looked him up and down, sucking his lower lip into his mouth, “They don't make 'em like you anymore."  
  
"You're..." Bucky stopped, not sure what he had intended on saying.

 

"The guy you've been following for weeks?"

 

Bucky flushed hot and looked away.

 

"Don't get shy on me now, honey. You think I wouldn't have found a different way home if I thought you were a creep?"  
  
Bucky started mumbling, trying to defend his actions, "I... I'm sorry for bein' strange. I, uh, I just..."  
  
"You're a real cutie," Blue-eyes interrupted, "you don't even know how to talk to me.” He sighed dreamily, “That's too sweet.”

 

"I should get going," Bucky added quickly.  
  
The blonds brows arched, "You got a date?"  
  
Bucky shook his head, "No."  
  
"Where're you headed off to then? To find a girl?”

 

He nodded slowly to gauge his reaction; Blue-eyes betrayed nothing. “But you don't want a girl, do ya?”

 

Bucky was petrified of where the conversation was headed. He didn't want to talk about what was going on in his head. He hadn’t admitted it to himself and hadn't planned on ever doing so, which made it even harder to talk about it then.

 

“You don't have to be scared,” Blue-eyes sounded completely sincere and almost empathetic. It made Bucky’s heart race. “This is new for you, so I won't push you. I just thought you might wanna talk.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. You look like you wanna follow me in completely but you jet at the last second. You don't have to, you know.”

 

“I -,” he didn't know that.

 

“No one’s gonna judge you, least of all me. I know what it's like to be scared of this, but I also know how nice it is once you're out and about.” He smiled invitingly at Bucky, “Wanna come dancin’ with me?”

 

Bucky knew that this decision would change his life completely but he couldn't stop himself from agreeing with a jerky nod.

 

“Come on now, I gotta hear ya say it.”

 

“I... I'd like to go dancing with you.”

 

Blue-eyes seemed to radiate delight as soon as Bucky finished speaking.

 

“Let's go before the floor’s too crowded!” he linked his arm with Bucky’s and took him down a side street. “My name’s Steve, by the way. But I like Stevie– suits me better.”

 

It did. Bucky couldn't imagine someone so beautiful having such a plain name, _Steve_.

 

“Bucky,” Steve leaned against him and was surprisingly warm for someone so small.

 

“That's not your real name though.”

 

“It's James,” he mumbled and Steve went silent for a minute.

 

“Bucky’s better. You got a wild streak in ya, Bucky. That doesn't suit a plain James.”

 

Bucky smiled, watching as Steve stared up at him through his long eyelashes.

 

“You're even more handsome when you smile,” he sounded awestruck and it made Bucky blush, not from embarrassment but from pleasure. “I didn't think that was possible.”

 

“You think I'm handsome?”

 

“Well, yeah,” Steve scoffed. “You've got some confidence issues, Buck. If I have to keep telling you how gorgeous you are to make you believe it, I definitely will.”

 

“I'm a stranger who creeped on you for way too long; why’re you being nice to me?” Bucky asked and immediately regretted it. He didn't want to remind Steve that he was a bit strange.

 

“Come on now. I can tell you're a good guy, you're just a little lost. Call me your shepherd.”

 

A long forgotten bible passage fought it's way to the surface of his thoughts. _Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me._ His stomach twisted with worry at the prospect of what he was doing. He wasn't supposed to be walking into the queer part of town at all, especially not with a man he was unnervingly attracted to. What would the nuns and the priests and whoever was watching him think? How would his father react if he know what he was about to do?

 

“You're gonna guide me?” he asked warily.  
  
Steve nodded, “Say Stevie is my shepherd, I shall not want.”  
  
Bucky didn't know what to make of Steve at all. He didn't seem like a man who'd know bible passages, "That's blasphemous."  
  
Steve threw his head back, laughing, like beautiful music infusing into the warm night air. “That's life, sweetheart.”

 

Bucky was envious of Steve’s easygoing nature. He'd never been able to relax; even as a child he held himself carefully out of fear that he'd step out of line and be singled out, mocked. They passed by a few people on the street and Steve waved to all of them, a grin on his bright face. All of them smiled at Steve and eyed Bucky curiously which only made him shrink into himself more. By the time they got to the bar Steve wanted to show him, his shoulders were hunched and his eyes were lowered.

 

“Hey, what's wrong?” Steve asked softly and surprised him.

 

“Maybe, maybe I shouldn't be here. It was dumb of me to think I could belong here. I don't... I _won't_ fit.” He often felt like a square peg being jammed into a circular hole– the wrong shape in a place where it was unnecessary– and that night was no different. “I'll just go.”

 

“If you wanna leave I won't stop you ‘cause that's up to you, but I will ask you to be honest with me. Do you wanna go in?”

 

Bucky looked up from his shoes and stared into Steve’s bright blue eyes. He looked so concerned for him.

 

“Yeah, I do,” his voice shook with fear.

 

“You're scared, pal, and I know the feeling. Everyone in there -,” Steve said and gestured to the bar, “- knows it too. All our lives we've been told that who we are ain't right, we're pushed somewhere we don't fit every day. We go out into the world and pretend like we're something we're not just to get by. But here, this is where it's all okay. Everybody belongs if they want to, all you've gotta do is be you. Nobody's gonna laugh at you or try to make you feel like less. If you wanna come in, let's go,” Steve smiled so kindly it hurt Bucky’s chest. “I'll protect ya, Buck.”

 

Bucky smiled back, “Okay Stevie. I'm with you.”

 

“Til the end of the line, pal.” Just that small phrase reassured him more than anything else ever had. Steve led him inside and he was surprised by how normal it was. There were men and women everywhere but none of them looked any different than anyone else. He hadn’t expected a freak show or anything but it was still surprising.

 

“You thought you'd see queens, didn't ya?”

 

“I - I...” Bucky stammered and Steve knocked his hip into Bucky’s. Steve was bony so it stung a little but it was pleasant.

 

“The ball is tomorrow night,” Steve brought him over to the bar and the bartender ran over within seconds.

 

“Stevie! You're here early,” the man said and smiled warmly, leaning over the bar slightly.

 

“I ran into a friend and decided to come by sooner,” Steve gestured to Bucky. “Howard, this is Bucky. Bucky this is Howard.”

 

Howard looked at Bucky and held out his hand. Bucky grasped it and offered a shy smile before letting go.

 

“Nice to meet you,” he said quietly. Howard gave him an appraising look which turned into a pleased look within a few seconds. Bucky felt like he'd passed an unspoken test.

“If you're a friend of Stevie’s, you're a friend of ours. How ‘bout a drink on the house?”

 

“Thanks, Howard,” Steve smiled brightly.

 

Howard poured both of them a drink.

 

“I hope you have a good night, Bucky,” Howard said and turned to one of the other patrons.

 

“He's with me,” Steve said in a voice ripe with mock offense, “‘Course he will!” Steve grabbed his beer and took a big gulp of it. “You know, I'm gonna show you a great time. It's my mission.”

 

“That's an interesting mission,” Bucky dragged the tip of his finger through the condensation on the glass. “I'm pretty boring though, so you might lose interest pretty quick,” added Bucky, to which Steve shook his head.

 

“I've gotta help you with that confidence thing. I know I haven't known ya long but I like ya already. There's no way I’m losing interest in you.”

 

“You mean it?” Bucky asked skeptically. He didn't want to sound as unsure as he felt. He didn't want to drive Steve away.

 

“I sure do. One important thing about me, Buck, is that I never lie,” Steve said and took another drink. “I'm the most honest guy you'll ever meet.” Every instinct inside Bucky told him to trust in Steve and he decided to go with it. “Feeling a bit better?”

 

“Yeah, thanks,” Bucky took a quick sip of his beer and put it back down on the bar, “Stevie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What you said about the queens - were you pulling my leg?”

 

Steve smiled and shook his head, “No, I wasn't. There are balls every few weeks and you're just in time for one.” That seemed like fate to him, as silly as it were. The idea of seeing real queens was exciting and a little bit terrifying; it went against everything he knew and touched a secret interest he'd been ignoring for longer than he'd realized. “Are you gonna come see?”

 

“I, I dunno if I should. I mean it might not be the place for me,” Bucky mumbled quickly and looked away to avoid Steve’s sad expression. He didn't want Steve’s pity, he pitied himself enough as it were.

 

“I didn't think it was the place for me either, but I came and saw the queens on stage and I realized that I belonged here. On stage too.”

 

Bucky’s head jerked towards Steve. Surprisingly, Steve’s cheeks were slightly flushed.

 

“You, you do that?”

 

“When I feel like it.”

 

“Will you feel like it tomorrow?” asked Bucky before he could stop himself. Steve’s eyebrows rose to his hairline and Bucky wanted to sink into the floor.

 

“I just might, actually. Haven't done it in a while,” Steve's voice was even, but he was radiating pleasure. He was actually happy about what Bucky had said, although Bucky didn't know that at all. “I gotta borrow some stuff but I might be there.”

 

“Stuff?”

 

“Lady things,” Steve replied with such nonchalance that it took Bucky a minute to catch on. _Lady things._ He swallowed hard and tried to ignore the onslaught of thoughts that threatened to overload his brain. He didn't know exactly what Steve was referring to, but he wasn't an idiot.

 

“Will I be able to come in without you?” his fingers were trembling fiercely. There was no reason for him to be nervous, not really, but he still was. All of the negative thoughts he'd ever had were piling up in his head and quickly convincing him that he wasn't welcome there by himself. No one knew him, he wasn't anyone - who would let a random guy off the street come into their safe haven? He could feel Steve staring at him and he refused to look up.

 

“Buck, you're welcome here,” Steve said softly, “You don't need to worry about being kept out or nothin’, this is a safe place for everyone.”

 

“I don't get that many nights off, but I'll be here tomorrow,” he tried to sound as steady as possible with the hopes that he would convince both himself and Steve that he really would go.

 

Steve clapped Bucky’s shoulder and made him look up; the smile on Steve’s face was brilliant. He was so beautiful, how was that possible?

 

“You'll have fun, I promise ya that. Us queens are wild,” Steve had yet to take his hand off of his shoulder and he found himself leaning towards him. He had never wanted a man before, but he wanted Steve. It was a dizzying realization.

 

“You said somethin’ about dancing?” Bucky mumbled and Steve nodded quickly, putting his beer down.

 

“We've gotta get a good song going!” Steve was so bubbly that it was hard to stay nervous. “I'll be right back, Buck!” He shouted and ran off right after.

 

Bucky took the opportunity to knock back the rest of his drink and shake himself. He needed to calm himself down and loosen up or else he'd make a fool of himself. He couldn't embarrass himself, he _wouldn't._ The music changed to a faster song and everyone on the dance floor immediately broke into a frenzy of moves. Bucky watched the way everyone danced, and found himself entranced by it all; sharp, angry looking moves were mixed with fluid ballet looking steps. It was unbelievable that they could do that with their bodies.

 

Steve shot through the throng of people and grabbed Bucky’s hand. “Time to boogie!” Steve shouted over the blaring music.

 

Bucky licked his lips and nodded, trying to look as ready as possible.

 

Steve frowned and pulled him down so that he could speak in his ear. “You okay?”

 

“I can't dance like that!”

 

“You don't have to! Dancing here isn't polished or a routine, just do you!” Steve’s encouragements mixed with the music made it impossible to resist dancing. “Ready?”

 

“Yeah!” shouted Bucky.

 

Steve led him to the floor without letting go of his hand, and it made him feel stronger. By the time they wormed their way to the middle of the crowd their joined hands were clammy and the grip was weaker, but neither of them thought to let go even for a minute.

 

“You've gotta have fun, Buck! Just move it!”

 

Then, Steve started to dance.

 

He was spinning and jerking and wiggling, doing so much all at once. He looked like a tornado, moving fast but precise. Bucky felt his own feet moving but he hadn’t consciously done anything. Steve noticed him starting to dance and grinned, wild and carefree. Bucky grinned back and felt his muscles starting to loosen as the tension left him. Dancing there was different than at the stuffy clubs he usually went to on a night off; sure it was just as crowded, but it wasn't about showing off and trying to get someone to come home with him, it was just about being free and having fun. He felt as if electric currents were in his veins instead of blood. He was alive and full of energy that he hadn’t even realize he'd been lacking until that very moment. He swayed with the flashing lights and lost himself in the beat of the music, ignoring the nagging self consciousness inside of himself for once. It didn't matter, nothing mattered but the fun he was having.

 

Songs began to melt together and they both lost track of how many they danced to. It could've been one, or ten, or one hundred, either way they didn't stop. Soon they were dancing as a unit, Bucky spinning and dipping Steve and Steve grabbing Bucky’s hands and pulling him forward and backward. They grinned, laughed, and howled along with the music until they were both winded and their throats felt raw. When they were both exhausted Steve had to pull Bucky away from the dance floor and back to the bar so they could catch their breath.

 

“You're an awesome dancer,” Steve gasped and wiped sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand.

 

Bucky laughed and pulled Steve into a tight hug. “Thank you,” he all but sobbed, “Thank you so much, Stevie.” Simply thanking him wasn’t enough to express his gratitude but he couldn’t think of anything else. He felt incredibly good, better than he’d ever felt, and couldn’t even begin to let Steve know how much it meant to him. Steve’s arms came around him and Bucky felt him chuckle, but it wasn’t mocking in the slightest.

 

“Well you were born with the ability, Buck!”

 

He liked that Steve wasn't making a big deal of helping him have fun that night - it made him feel as though he was normal and had gone with Steve to the club without having had to be convinced that everything would be okay.

 

“I’m all danced out,” said Steve.

 

“Wanna go get some dinner?” Bucky asked immediately and Steve pulled back, showing him his wide grin.

 

“Why, Bucky? Are you asking me out?” Steve was clearly playing around but Bucky blushed all the same. Technically he was, and with his interest in Steve he knew it could be considered a date. Did Steve want that? Did _he_ even want that? “I’m just playing, Bucky! I’m starving so let’s go get some greasy crap!”

 

“Agreed.”

 

It was a late dinner, a _very_ late dinner at that, so the diner they went to had next to no one in it other than them. Bucky chose a booth at the back and Steve hollered for the waitress. He was shocked at how unruly Steve was being but when the waitress came out, he instantly realized that they knew each other.

 

“Cher, this is my new buddy - Bucky,” Steve said and pointed at him. Cher looked at Bucky for a minute before turning and winking at Steve. Cher was gorgeous; her caramel skin and deep green eyes were breathtaking, and her curves had Bucky’s interest.

 

“Hi, Bucky. I’m Cher,” she said and held her hand out. Bucky took it and kissed the back of it, making her chuckle, to which Steve rolled his eyes.

 

“Nice to meet you. Cher.”

 

“It’s short for Cherry,” Steve said and grabbed one of the menus out of her hands. “Cherry Berry.”

 

“Fuck off, _Steven Grant_ ,” she hissed and Steve stuck his tongue out at her. “You know that’s not my last name.”

 

“It’s Berretti, but your name is Cherry Berretti which is a longer way of saying Cherry Berry,” Steve shot back without looking away from the menu.

 

“You’re a fucking dumbass.” They were bickering like children and it was very cute to watch. They seemed more like siblings than friends.

 

“Anyway, Bucky. How did you fall into such bad luck and run into this creature?” Cher asked.

 

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m not human,” Steve said blandly. He had gone from joking and excited to uninterested quickly. Bucky wondered if he’d done something wrong.

 

“I ran into him on my way to a club and he showed me someplace new,” Bucky supplied just in case Steve decided to tell her the truth. Steve didn’t look up at him either.

 

“We’ll take two cheeseburgers and a basket of fries,” Steve said and Cher looked at him strangely. “Two big milkshakes too,” he added quickly.

 

“What flavour?” she asked, her tone careful and almost worried.

 

“Chocolate for me, Bucky’ll have vanilla.”

 

“Bucky?” she asked him. Steve was glaring at the table.

 

“Uh, vanilla’s good. Thank you, Cher.”

 

“No problem,” she walked away faster than she needed to and Steve looked at Bucky. His blue eyes were frosty instead of clear.

 

“She’s got a boyfriend, he’s the cook. So unless you want spit in your food I’d stop flirting.”

 

“I wasn’t flirting!” he lied and knew that Steve didn't believe him at all. “What's your problem?”

 

“You don't just flirt with another man’s girl, it ain't right,” Steve drummed his fingers on the table top that separated them. He was practically vibrating with impatience. “You were lookin’ for a girl tonight and Cher’s not her.”

 

“You… You know that I wasn't actually looking for a girl,” he mumbled. Admitting it was difficult; he could hear his father telling him how immoral his actions were in a voice as cold as winter winds. “You know that.”

 

Steve surprised him by banging his head against the table. Bucky shot out his hand to cushion the blows Steve was giving himself.

 

“M’sorry, Buck. I just - I'm being weird tonight. It's been an off day.”

 

Bucky knew about off days all too well. Instead of moving his hand out from under Steve’s head or easing him back up, he reached his other hand over and started to stroke his hair. He didn't know why he did it, but Steve didn't seem to mind at all.

 

“Cher’s a good kid,” said Steve.

 

“I'm not a kid!” Cher shouted from behind the counter. “I'm older than you!”

 

Steve sighed and sat back. Bucky missed the warmth of his skin but didn't say a word about it.

 

*

 

The next morning, Bucky woke up with stiff muscles, aching feet, and a wide smile on his face. He was still a little dazed, but it was the best feeling he'd ever experienced. He felt _real_ \-- like an actual person, not the automaton he'd become over time. The music was echoing in his bones, the freedom swirling in his head like a tornado building.

 

He got out of bed quicker than he usually did and had a spring in his step that matched the tune in his head. There was no reason to lie around and wait until the absolute last minute to get up like he usually did, because he had the energy and the drive to get up and go.

 

For the first time in his life, Bucky sang in the shower. He didn't know what the song was, or most of the words, but he went with it and sang his heart out. It took longer than it needed to and he couldn't bring himself to care. Making breakfast was also more fun; he turned on the radio and danced through the kitchen with ease.

 

Sam came over an hour later with coffee and a stack of mail. “Buck, you've got yourself a real problem,” Sam said and handed Bucky his mail, “You're a shopaholic.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked through the envelopes. Thankfully only two of eight were bills - the rest were from his sister Becca; she was in Los Angeles studying to become a doctor and often sent him letters telling _every_ little detail about what was going on.

 

He pretended to be annoyed by them, but he was really happy because his silly fear of being left behind by her was appeased with each letter, and he felt good knowing that she was enjoying school. He had hated school and only made it to graduation by the skin of his teeth. Thankfully he didn't need a college education for his job - Sam had helped him get a solid and well paying job as a line cook at Sam’s mother’s restaurant. She'd taken a huge chance on him and his skill had surprised all of them - Bucky was extremely good at working fast with fine details, so prepping ingredients and dishes was perfect for him. He worked long hours almost every day but he made great money and sometimes got to split tips with the wait staff, so it was worth it.

 

“Becca’s doing really well at school,” Bucky said, ripping into one of the envelopes,“ she loves it there.” Sam snatched the letter out of his hand and started to drag his finger across the page. “What’re you doing?”

 

“Looking for any mention of a fine young gentleman named Samuel Wilson,” he said, not lifting his eyes away for even a second.

 

“She's gonna be a doctor, so she's got good eyes, Sam. She’s got better taste than the likes of you.” Truth be told, Sam was a very handsome man - Bucky refused to acknowledge it at the time, but looking back it was clear that he'd had a brief crush on him. Sam was a good friend, his best friend really, so it was good that Bucky hadn't made anything of his feelings because Sam was straight and would've been freaked out.

 

“Fuck you, Barnes, I'm fly.”

 

“Sure you are, bird brain,” Bucky grabbed the letter back and quickly scanned it over. One of his greatest skills was his ability to read so quickly, it helped him in school and at work when it came to specific orders and recipes. “Becca’s getting the hang of dorm life. She's making tons of friends and her classes are hard but she's managing.”

 

“I'm proud of her, she's doin’ really great.” Sam and Becca were instant friends - they'd met when Becca was sixteen, she’d been crying over a boy at school who was mean to her and Sam immediately consoled her, telling her that that boy wasn't worth more than dirt and they became friends and siblings all at once. She had a crush on him before she realized that they were family - and that he was 6 years older than her. Her crush became an inside joke between the three of them, with Becca leading the charge. “I still can't believe that the squirt is all grown up, it's painful to me.”

 

“Because you're getting old?” Bucky said with a completely straight face. Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“You're the same age as I am,” Sam said and yanked the letter off of him again. “I miss Becca, you're no fun.”

 

“You're gonna give me a goddamn paper cut!” Bucky shouted and took it back. They did that routine every time one of her letters came and it contributed to the fun of getting them. Play fighting with Sam was one of Bucky’s favourite things - it was like having a brother.

 

“Is she coming back for the summer?”

 

“Come on, man. L.A. in the summer is gonna be a blast - there’s no way she’s coming back for that.” There was also the issue of money; she was on a scholarship, which was the only reason she was there at all; the Barnes's weren’t anywhere near wealthy, they were just barely middle class. Their financial situation was getting better, but there wasn’t extra money for her to come home. Bucky didn’t like thinking of the negative side, so he thought of it as the opportunity to learn the city better and to make some more friends.

 

“Ma is gonna be sad about that, she hasn’t seen Becca in so long,” Sam said, sighing heavily. Bucky’s chest ached from it. “But good on her, she's gonna go places!” Sam was clearly trying to make both of them feel better about the situation, and unfortunately his efforts were going to waste. Bucky felt guilty that he couldn't fly her back home and wanted to get her back more than anything. He hated the idea of Becca turning into a homebody in a place that wasn't really her home. “So what're your plans for today?” Sam asked, elbowing him gently and shaking him back to the present.

 

“Probably trying to clean this place, grocery shopping,” he sounded worn out already which didn't make for the best outlook on the day.

 

“Sounds fun.”

 

“I hate being an adult,” whined Bucky, “will your Ma take me in and let me be a kid again?”

 

Sam snorted loudly in response. “Like she wants to take care of you _and_ Cami.”

 

Cami was one of Sam’s cousin’s kids, she was four and just about the happiest person he'd ever met - she was basically his little sister - but it was true that she needed to be watched with eagle eyes, she could get into trouble in a blink of an eye.

 

“She's a little angel, don't you dare say she's not!” Bucky said, glowering at Sam playfully, “She's my sweet baby!”

 

“I was trying to let you down easy - you'd drive Ma crazy if you moved in. You're a menace!”

 

“Says you!”

 

The Wilson family was huge and close knit, a family like one out of a movie. They sucked up Bucky and Becca without a pause, adding them to the family as though they'd always been there. Bucky felt indebted to them for more reasons than he could count and worked hard to make them all proud of him. He wanted them to see that he and Becca were worth the risk they'd taken so many years before.

 

“I'm gonna go catch a movie tonight, you in?” Sam asked and stood up. He started to grab some of the junk off of the coffee table. Sam always did that - he tried to subtly help Bucky out however he could but wasn't subtle about it at all. Bucky opened his mouth to say yes, but remembered his plans with Steve and his jaw snapped shut.

 

“I can't.”

 

“You have plans?” Sam practically squeaked at him.

 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed and he glared at him, “Why are you so shocked?” he demanded and knew it was unfair to be upset over Sam’s reaction - he _had_ just told him he was doing practically nothing for the day and it was rare that Bucky did have set plans on his nights off.

 

“I don't mean to be an asshole, but you never go out.”

 

“I go dancing all the time,” he sounded whinier than Cami did when she threw a fit.

 

“You've gone out maybe twice in the past month and a half.” That was true but he didn't say a word. “What's up?”

 

“I just… I'm gonna stay in tonight and try to catch up on some sleep,” he didn't like lying to Sam but it was necessary. He couldn't risk him finding out the truth - it would drive him away without a doubt. “I've been really exhausted lately and I could use the shut eye.”

 

If Sam realized he was making up an excuse, he didn't call him on it. Instead he continued to walk around and pick up random pieces of junk that he found to throw out.

 

“Alright, maybe we can do something together next time we're both off,” Sam’s trust in him made Bucky hate lying even more; Sam was too good a person to be kept in the dark about something so important, Bucky truly believed that, but he couldn't tell him. Not yet.

 

“For sure,” Bucky would make certain of it. “Are you gonna take a date instead?” Bucky asked and Sam turned to him with a look of fake despair on his face.

 

“If I can't get _you_ to go out with me how am I supposed to get anyone else?” he whined and Bucky tossed an unopened bill at him.

 

*****

 

As the day progressed, Bucky became more and more anxious about going out that night, so he spent most of the day doing chores, dragging them out in an attempt to keep himself as busy as possible. Chores put his hands on autopilot and allowed his brain to go a mile a minute, until every thought he had was laced with half baked panic and fear.

 

He was going to a gay bar.

 

He was going to watch a drag show.

 

 _He was going to see Steve again_.

 

Sure only a few hours had passed since they parted ways, but it felt like forever. It was incredible to think that they had really only met then - Bucky felt like he knew him way before then, since the moment his eyes met Steve’s, but that was silly and he could admit it. Still, it was nerve wracking to think about seeing think about seeing him. So many things could go wrong; Steve could decide that he was bored with him, he could be turned away at the door, or he could be seen by someone he knew and have no choice but to come out. Those scenarios were all terrifying, but Bucky absolutely refused to chicken out. He wanted to go to the club again - he'd had never had so much fun in his life and he craved it. There was no way he could just let it all go because of fear.

 

Bucky spent over an hour going back and forth, caught between excitement and intense fear. During that time he talked himself out of going and then back in again, and got dressed. Getting dressed was another obstacle; he wanted to look as though he fit in even if he didn’t feel that way inside, he wanted to show Steve that he was worth his time just like he wanted to show the Wilsons. There was a lot at stake - in his mind there were, anyway - and he needed to make sure that nothing went wrong. Going to a situation where he had very little control was bordering on too much, but he wouldn’t give up.

 

Bucky Barnes did not give up.

 

_Not much._

 

He left his apartment as soon as he was properly dressed and didn’t give himself time to look back. He hailed a cab and shakily gave the driver the club’s address, ignoring the pointed look he got, and tried to build up his confidence in the back seat. _You can do this_ , he thought, _you’ve got this, you’ve got this!_ The cab pulled up to the curb and he handed the driver more money than necessary, told him to keep the change, and stumbled out. He went around the back like Steve had told him and found a small line there. Everyone looked excited and ready for the night, meanwhile Bucky looked like he was about to be sick.

 

_You can do this! You can do this!_

 

“You’re new,” the woman in front of him said and yanked him out of his panic. She looked him up and down and smiled at him. “Who’re you here to see?”

 

“See?” he mumbled and she nodded encouragingly.

 

“Yeah, I’m here to see Roxie compete. She’s a blast!”

 

Bucky thought about it for a second before continuing, “I’m here to see Stevie.” Her eyes widened and she clapped loudly.

 

“Oh, Stevie! It’s been awhile since she competed, I was so surprised that she decided to come out tonight! She's amazing.”

 

“I haven't, uh, I haven't seen her perform before. She invited me tonight.”

 

“You’re in for a fun time!” The line started to move and he was let in after paying the cover charge. The club was actually a rec hall set up to look fancier than it was; there were lights and drapes hanging up, as well as other smaller decorations. There was a stage with a small staircase that lead to a dance floor, and chairs were set up around it. Bucky had expected something much different, but he wasn't put off by any of it; he was curious about what exactly was going to happen. Everyone in the room seemed to have someone to sit with, so Bucky felt out of place all by himself.

 

“Hey!” shouted the woman, whom Bucky talked with in the line. She was sitting across the dance floor and looking straight at him.

 

He didn't know why she'd be talking to him, so he mouthed ‘ _me?_ ’ and she nodded. He walked over to her, carefully avoiding stepping on the dance floor, and stopped in front of the empty seat beside her. She was sitting with a few other men and women, some opposite her and some behind. “Wanna sit with us?”

 

“Really?” he knew he sounded as shocked as he was but he couldn't help himself.

 

“Yeah! We're missin’ a few people so there's more than enough room for you.” Something about the way she was smiling at him made him feel more at ease. Bucky sat down and offered her his hand.

 

“Thanks. I'm Bucky,” he said and was surprised by how steady his voice came out. Somehow he felt a little better.

 

“Jessi,” she leaned in close for a minute. “Everyone has their first time, thankfully you've fallen in with the right crowd.”

 

Bucky grinned at her conspiratorial tone. “Thankfully,” he repeated and she winked.

 

“So basically everyone’s gonna come out soon and the emcee will call the categories. There'll be judges who choose the winners after everyone walks,” Jessi explained much to his relief - he had no idea what was about to happen and excitement started to bubble up inside of him. _What category would Steve be walking in? Would he even recognize him?_

 

“Do you know what category Stevie’s in?” Subtlety wasn't his strongest asset. Jessi shook her head in answer.

 

“That's one of the funnest parts - you never know who's doing what unless you're part of their house! The hosting house is gonna come out and introduce all of their contestants and their mother - tonight the House of Maxima is hosting. That’s Roxie’s house.”

 

Bucky was extremely thankful for Jessi, she was willing to explain things to him without him having to embarrass himself by actually asking.

 

“Their mother’s Andrea, she’s an icon,” Jessi continued.

 

“What house is Stevie in?”

 

“She doesn’t have one. I mean she only started competing recently and she hasn’t won yet.”

 

Bucky didn’t know anything about the real competition or what Steve had done for it before, but he was hit with resentment because Steve hadn’t won anything. They had only met once at that point but he knew Steve deserved recognition for just being him. It was his crush talking, but that didn’t really count for much.

 

Well, maybe it did - but he wasn’t going to admit that.

 

It took a few more minutes, but the seats all filled and the emcee walked up to the podium on stage. He was _normal looking_ \- he looked like any other guy on the street, no different except for where he was. Truth be told, Bucky expected some flamboyant man who could immediately be identified as gay; the worst part was that he didn’t realize that that mentality was wrong, not until then. It was that way of thinking that made it hard to be yourself without having to live in fear of being hurt for it.

 

“Settle down,” the emcee said and no one stopped speaking. He glared at the crowd before continuing, “Enough! If you’re here to gossip and annoy the shit out of everyone, you’re in the wrong place! Some of us are here for a ball!” The crowd cheered and he rolled his eyes. “Do y’all need another hour or -?” Everyone quieted down eventually, and only then did the competition begin.

 

“The Grand March,” Jessi whispered to him a minute before a group of men, women, and androgynous people came onto the stage. Bucky was instantly transfixed by how beautiful they all were. “Everyone up there is a member of the House of Maxima, the one on the end is Roxie.” He looked down to end of the line they had formed and saw Roxie; she was a tall, statuesque woman wearing a long fiery red wig that fell down to her waist in a pin straight curtain. Her dress was tapered to perfection and hugged every inch of her body, showing off her ample curves.

 

“Wow,” he whispered right back, not taking his eyes off of Roxie. Jessi giggled and nodded.

 

“She’s sexy as hell.”

 

“Is she a -?”

 

“Man?” Jessi supplied and he nodded. “Yeah, and she’s beautiful as a man, too.”

 

“So why do you call him ‘she’?”

 

“When he’s performing, he becomes a woman. Roxie is his craft and a separate person, so you have to respect that,” Jessi didn’t sound annoyed with him, she sounded as though she was really trying to make him understand the life that he was seeing. He did understand, well, more than he had before. There were so many different aspects of the entire community that he feared he would never truly get, but he did want to.

 

Unbeknownst to Bucky, the members of the House of Maxima had all been introduced and their categories announced. It was time for the Mother of the House to come to the stage and be introduced properly.

 

“Let’s all welcome Mother Andrea Maxima.” The crowd started to applaud and whistle, yelling their praise as a woman walked onto the stage and down the stairs.

 

Mother Andrea Maxima was a stunning black woman who exuded grace and power. She was wearing an expensive looking pantsuit and a stole, her curves somehow accentuated by her outfit. Her head was clean shaven, which made her facial features stand out even more. Her large lips and high cheekbones made her look like she’d come straight out of a magazine advertisement. She made a point of looking at every inch of the crowd, her large earrings swinging as her head moved, and it made everyone - Bucky included - feel important, yet beneath her.

 

She was, in a word, omniscient.

 

“Hello everyone, it’s wonderful to see all of you here tonight,” said Mother Andrea in a heavily accented voice. “I am Mother of the House of Maxima, Andrea Maxima.” The pause she took to smile added to the drama of the moment and Bucky felt high on it. Anticipation sizzled in his veins and his started to jiggle his leg just to get some of the energy out. “Tonight our family is hosting the ball and it’s an honour to do so. There are many contestants tonight from many houses, and even some free agents - but make no mistake, my children are here to snatch.”

 

Everyone cheered and hollered, amping Bucky up even more. He couldn't wait for the ball to start - he wanted to see everything, wanted all of the excitement and glamour to wash over him like an ocean wave.

 

“Tonight, the family has an audition in progress,” Andrea continued, “We have Stevie Sith.” Bucky shifted in his seat at the mention of Steve and Jessi nudged him a few times, making him blush. “Stevie, come on out and say hello.”

 

“Come on out,” Jessi echoed quietly and Bucky grinned, excitement rippling off of him in waves. There was no way to lower his anticipation by even a fraction.

 

Steve, no, _Stevie_ came out dressed in a white knee length dress that had a belt cinching in her waist. She wore a big white hat that covered most of her face, leaving out only her nose and her mouth; her lipstick was blood red and lined with a maroon which somehow made her look all the more alluring. The mysterious air she was giving off made everyone in the room eager to see exactly what she was hiding under her hat, made them all want to know more.

 

Bucky whispered, “Holy shit”, voicing the thoughts of the crowd. Jessi nodded in agreement.

 

“She’s… wow,” Jessi sounded shocked herself. It was so puzzling - he couldn’t see Stevie’s face but he just knew how beautiful she looked.

 

“Tonight we’ll see if there is a new child of Maxima,” Andrea said and gestured to Stevie. “Best of luck to you, Stevie.” Stevie’s lips curved into a shy smile.

 

“Thank you Mother Maxima,” she said, her voice light as air. Goosebumps rose on Bucky’s arms from the sound of it.

 

“Now, let the show go on!”

 

*****

 

“Tonight’s categories are; BQ and FQ Realness, Vogue - Arms Control and Femme, OTA Fantasy, and Designer’s Delight,” the Emcee said while the judges were getting themselves situated at their table on stage. “Respect the contestants and do not be shady just yet. There is a lot of work that goes into the creations that will be seen tonight and I expect you all to behave.”

 

“Yes, Carlos,” someone said in a monotone, bored voice. The emcee, Carlos, glared in their direction.

 

“I know exactly who you are, you little fuck, and when we’re done tonight your _papi chulo_ will be hearing all about this.” The delighted cackles from the crowd made it impossible to take him seriously. “See if you get any cash tonight.”

 

“Go on and call ‘em!” that same person shouted. “We want a ball!”

 

“Our first category is - BQ Realness,” Carlos called and a hush went over the crowd. “The aim of the game is to look like a straight man. Let's see who can pull that look off the best.”

 

There were only a few people in the category, but all of them met the challenge expertly. Bucky was completely hypnotized by the way everyone carried themselves; they were so confident and sure, which made gave them an aura of strength that he was envious of. How they managed to do it was a mystery that he didn't believe he could ever solve. Even so, he still wanted to try.

 

After everyone had walked all of the contestants stood in a line on the dance floor to be judged. Even though there was only one person who could claim first place, each contestant was focused and clearly ready to be called. Everyone who had cheered during the actually walking was eerily silent, waiting for the verdict without so much as a breath. First place was a man named Vic; he wore a simple dark grey suit and had a leather briefcase in his hand - he looked like a real businessman and Bucky wondered if he actually was one.

 

The next category was FQ Realness; the requirement was to look like an actual woman, any traces of masculinity had to be completely gone in order to win. Every person who came down looked completely feminine, if Bucky didn’t know better he would’ve thought that they were all women. All of them owned their makeshift runway and captured the attention of the masses - their beauty and talent was enough to captivate the entire room.

 

Vogue - Arms Control was that was intense and spectacular. Arms Control was exactly as it sounded; the person voguing had to make complete use of their arms, their movements - a mix of sharp and fluid, using only their arms to dance while the rest of their body became an accessory. The sharper moves made their arms look like weapons, sharpened tools used to destroy the rest of the competition. Vogue - Femme was comprised of feminine looking moves; flourishes, and even cha cha steps. It was a category made to showcase femininity and exaggerate it, their dancing beautiful and refined but not stiff.

 

OTA Fantasy was an Open To All category with the challenge being to sell yourself as a fantasy. There was everything from mermaids and aliens to the upper echelon. It seemed as though every contestant truly believed that they were their costume, the embodied their role and made sure to let the audience know that they were true to that version of themselves. There was no second guessing allowed in such a category - it was all or nothing, or else the fantasy would start to crack and show reality once more.

 

There was only one category left and Stevie had yet to come out. Bucky was tapping his fingers on his knee and trying to keep his worry at bay. He knew that Stevie was walking so she had to be in that last category, but not seeing her for so long was nerve wracking. He wondered if something had gone wrong backstage or if Steve had decided against participating, maybe something worse. He was working himself up majorly by the time the final walk started.

 

Designer’s Delight was a category used to showcase the up and coming designers participating or to showcase how well one could wear an expensive designer outfit.

 

One contestant walked, then two, then three. The crowd was eating up their looks and Bucky’s worry was eating _him_ up. _Stevie_ came out second to last, and Bucky’s heart nearly exploded in his chest.

 

She was wearing a wine coloured dress that came a few inches above the knee; it had a panel of gold buttons in the center that accented the ruched sides, long sleeves, and a high neck. She had sheer pantyhose beneath it and was wearing thin black high heels. Her hair was slicked back expertly so that no piece escaped and her face was made up differently than Bucky had expected; her cheekbones were contoured as was her jaw with cool tones, her lipstick was satiny and matched the colour of her dress, her skin looked flawless, and her eyebrows were full which gave her entire face a bold, sleek look.

 

Jessi nudged Bucky and he snapped back to attention. “Your jaw is on the floor,” she whispered and he made a low embarrassed noise.

 

Stevie was just too gorgeous  - Bucky really couldn’t help his reactions at that point. He’d been waiting for what felt like days and he wasn’t disappointed at all, in fact he was blown away. Any expectations that he had were long gone and replaced by the stunning reality that he was faced with.

 

“Is she everything you’ve ever dreamt of?” Jessi asked, sounding almost as awed as he felt.

 

“Yeah,” he answered breathlessly, “she is.”

 

When it came time for the top three to be announced, Bucky was fully ready for Stevie to come in first. How could she not? She had fit the challenge perfectly and really stolen the show - it was completely unabashedly biased and he knew it but couldn’t be bothered to care.

 

Carlos took the microphone once more and his eyes swept from side to side, quieting everyone down. “Judges, please raise your numbers for Virginia.” Virginia, a short woman wearing a sparkling silver dress, stood with her shoulders back and her head held high as she awaited her scores - 9, 9, 8.

 

Next was Diana  - 8, 8, 7.

 

Then Roxie - 10, 7, 10. Jessi whooped and clapped, making Roxie blush and smile her way.

 

Then Stevie - 7, 8, 9.

 

Lastly was Stephen - 6, 6, 7.

 

The top three were Roxie with 27 out of 30, Virginia with 26 out of 30, and Stevie with 24 out of 30. The crowd cheered wildly, Bucky and Jessi shrieking with them. Bucky sought Stevie out and found her lost in thought; she was standing with her trophy in her hand, her eyes were glassy and somewhere far away.

 

Sometime after the ball ended, Bucky realized what was happening to Stevie; in that moment of excitement and caught up in the bliss of coming so close to winning, Steve had attained something she had desperately craved - glory.

 

*****

 

Stevie walked off of the dance floor and made her way to Bucky. She grabbed Bucky’s hand and pulled him into a hug, shocking him frozen for a minute before he managed to hug him back.

 

“You were amazing,” Bucky said after they parted, “just fucking fantastic!”

 

Stevie threw her head back and laughed. “I can’t believe I came in third, didn’t think I was gonna actually place,” Stevie sounded completely winded, “I might’ve passed the audition.”

 

“M’sure you did! There’s no way they didn’t choose you!”

 

Stevie smiled at him and his chest truly ached. He couldn’t understand the surge of emotions he felt for Stevie, like _why_ he wanted to see her smile like that every single day. There was already more than the initial attraction between them, that was for sure.

 

“You were really great,” he said in a quieter voice. Stevie was still smiling so sweetly at him.

 

 _She’s so beautiful,_ Bucky thought and almost said it out loud. Instead of saying that he looked around and saw Roxie talking to Mother Andrea in the corner.

 

“Why don’t you go see Mother Andrea? She’s gotta tell you if you’re in or not,” said Bucky.

 

Stevie looked nervous all of a sudden, her white teeth biting into wine red lips.

 

“Uh, will you be okay here, Buck? It’s just gonna be a sec,” Stevie’s voice narrowly avoided cracking and Bucky couldn’t stand to see how quickly her mood had changed. Bucky slouched down a little to look Stevie in the eyes and smiled at her.

 

“You’ve got this Stevie, you can do this,” he said gently, as encouraging as possible. He wanted Stevie to know how much he believed in her with the hopes that it would help her feel a little better; knowing that someone was in his corner always helped Bucky in times of trouble and fear. “You can do this.”

 

“I can,” Stevie’s voice wobbled so she shook her head and tried again, “I can do this.”

 

“I’ll be here when you get back,” he assured her; the look Stevie gave him was full of gratitude and something akin to pleasure.

 

“Thanks, Bucky,” Stevie said and kissed him on the cheek before walking away. Bucky stood there, stupefied, until Jessi came back with Roxie in tow. Jessi smirked and pointed at Bucky’s cheek, drawing attention to the mark from Steve’s lipstick.

 

“You’ve got a little somethin’ there Bucky,” she drawled and he glared at her playfully. “I’m guessing Stevie was happy to see you.”

 

“She was.” Thankfully. Bucky looked over to Roxie and offered her his hand, “Hi, I’m Bucky.” She smiled at him and shook his hand.

 

“Hi, Bucky,” Roxie had the slightest hint of an accent that made her charming, that and the soft look on her face. She looked kind and happy - he couldn’t tell if that was because of the makeup or not. “It’s nice to meet you. Jessi told me she made a new friend and I had to meet you because Jessi dislikes most people.”

 

“That’s not true,” Jessi argued, “I like everyone in your family.”

 

“Because they’re practically your family, too.”

 

“Well I still like them, don’t I?” Bucky liked hearing the way they squabbled because he could feel the affection in it. “If you keep being mean I’m telling Andrea.”

 

“Mother wouldn’t agree with you, I’m _always_ delightful,” Roxie said and stuck her tongue out at Jessi.

 

“I’ll rip that tongue out.”

 

“You’d miss it too much,” Roxie purred and Jessi’s eyes became lidded. Bucky felt as though he shouldn't be there for whatever was about to happen. Roxie touched Jessi’s cheek gently and turned back to Bucky. “Reigning my Jessi in can be a real task,” she said and winked at him.

 

“I can tell,” he replied in as smooth a voice as he could. He didn't want her to know that she affected him as much as she did - he wasn't sure if he was intimidated or slightly turned on by her.

 

“But you're here for Stevie. She's a spitfire and has the talent to back it up, I was telling Mother Andrea about that,” she said and it made Bucky grin. “I think that her makeup skills will come in handy for the House and for herself obviously, I don’t make the final decision but Stevie has my vote to join.”

 

“That’s - Stevie’s gonna be so happy,” Bucky could barely contain his excitement and it wasn’t even his moment to be excited over. He was just so happy for Steve - Steve deserved to be in the House of Maxima, he deserved all of the good things that life had to offer. “Is she with Mother Andrea now?”

 

“Last I checked she was, and Andrea looked very impressed. She’s got good odds,” Roxie looked at him closely for a few minutes and his skin felt too tight; he didn’t know what she was looking for. Was he doing something strange or said something wrong without realizing? He didn’t want to be on anyone’s bad side.

 

“You’re in deep with her.”

 

“We’ve only seen each other twice and the first was by accident,” he mumbled, not willing to tell her the whole truth about the first time they met. That was between him and Steve only.

 

“Like that matters. Jessi and I hit it off right away and we’ve been together for over a year.”

 

“I just... I wanna be her friend for right now. I haven’t - this is my first time doing anything like this,” he was ashamed to admit that; he felt as though he was breaking down Jessi’s and Roxie’s image of him. Instead of looking disgusted by him as he’d feared, Roxie looked sympathetic.

 

“Are you out yet?” she asked. He shook his head a little and remained quiet. “You don’t need to be ashamed, there’s no time stamp on when you should come out and no one can say that you even have to. All you need to do is learn to accept who you are - coming here is a good step towards that.”

 

“I really did have fun,” Bucky insisted, “I would’ve been majorly lost without Jessi, though.”

 

Jessi stuck out her chest and Roxie patted her head, “That’s my girl, always lookin’ to help people. I’m glad you had fun, nothing like a ball to make you feel like you belong somewhere.”

 

Roxie and Jessi brought Bucky to the backstage area and told him to wait there for Steve. Most of the people had already cleared out of the hall itself, but he was still grateful to be on his own for a little bit. It was always nice to be able to take some time for himself to breathe. When Steve came back out, he was wearing jeans and a simple white tee, but his makeup was still on and his hair was still slicked back. Somehow that look - the reality mixed with the show - was better than his look for the competition in its own way. He looked incredible.

 

“Bucky!” Steve shouted and looked surprised that he had actually stayed. “Sorry I took so long but I was talking to Andrea and I got undressed.” Steve adjusted the bag on his shoulder. “Wanna know the verdict?”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes, “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

“I’m officially a child of Maxima!” Steve said and smiled bashfully. “Andrea said that if I work hard I’ll win first place soon enough. She was real impressed with my looks tonight.”

 

“That’s awesome! I knew you could make it, Stevie, I just knew it,” he said and Steve’s smile widened.

 

“Thanks for believing in me, Buck. It means a lot.”

 

“Til’ the end of the line, remember?” he said instead of telling him that he’d support him forever like he wanted to. That was too intense for the short amount of time that they’d known each other. Steve chuckled and nodded.

 

“Yeah, I remember.”

 

*****

 

Sam pulled a stool next to Bucky’s prep station and sat down without saying a word. Bucky tried to continue chopping vegetables under his heated stare but soon broke. “Your Ma is gonna kill me if I chop off a finger and add it to her veggies,” Bucky warned and put his knife down; it really was sharp enough to cut a finger off. “What’s up, Samuel?”

 

“You’ve been smilin’ a lot lately. What the fuck is up?”

 

“Samuel Wilson!” Darlene, Sam’s mother, shouted from her side of the kitchen, “Watch your damn language!”

 

Sam winced, “Sorry ma!” He glared at Bucky, “What’s been up with you?”

 

“I’m just in a good mood. Things are going well.” They really were; after the ball, he and Steve went out to another late dinner and exchanged numbers. Two weeks had passed and they’d called each other almost every other day - their conversations were always fun, even if they just spoke about how their day went. They were slowly learning a lot about each other and connecting on a deeper level than just attraction.

 

“Becca called you?”

 

“No.” She wasn’t due to call him for another week or so.

 

“She sent more letters?”

 

“Yeah,” Bucky started working again, that time properly ignoring Sam. It was easier now that he knew what Sam wanted, and it also gave him time to come up with a good excuse in case Sam saw through him. There was no way that he could tell Sam about Steve, not yet. Even if he told him that he’d met someone, Sam would question where he met them and grill him until he was satisfied.

 

“What else is there, man?” Sam persisted. Normally someone as stubborn as Sam would be annoying, but Bucky knew that he was just looking out for his well being. Sam was a good friend, the best friend a person could have.

 

“I… I’ve just been feelin’ better lately. I feel lighter.”

 

“That’s really good,” Sam sounded genuinely happy for him and it made him feel terrible about lying. “You deserve good things.”

 

Bucky forced himself not to blurt out the truth even though he wanted to. Sam didn't deserve to be lied to, not even by omission. All he ever did was look out for him and treat him and Becca like family - he deserved more than what Bucky was doing; but fear overcame reason and guilt, so Bucky didn't say anything.

 

Every night, after the restaurant was closed, the staff had their own little dinner. They all pitched in to help cook when Darlene let them, which was quite rare; they were a family which made her the mother and she was in charge, so she got the kitchen to herself.

 

Dinner carried on as it always did; Darlene put out a spread for everyone to eat and they served themselves, with the exception of Rachel, the bartender, who put out drinks. Eating together gave the entire day a warm ending; there was nothing better than coming home after a long day of work, which was what their dinner was. It was home to most of the staff because it was stable and welcoming; Darlene gave them all a place to belong and feel safe, even if it was their workplace.

 

Later on, Bucky came to realize that Darlene had created a space similar to what the House system did.

 

“Make me a plate,” Sam ordered Bucky and put his chin up, looking away from him. He loved to play royalty even though he couldn't be further from it. Normally Bucky would bicker with him about it, but he was feeling guilty so he went ahead and did it. Sam seemed a little taken aback with his immediate compliance and looked at him strangely when he sat down after making their plates. “You really must be in a good mood if you're bein’ helpful,” Sam said before digging into his food.

 

“Thanks Bucky, you’re the best,” Bucky’s impersonation of Sam’s voice was awful but it never failed to make Sam laugh. “Wanna go see a movie or something tonight?”

 

“I can’t,” Sam said around a mouthful of rice, “I’m going to Queens after this.”

 

“Queens?”

 

“Mmm Hmm. My friend Riley lives there and he wants me to come help him paint his apartment.”

 

“Poor guy, you can’t paint for shit.”

 

When Becca was in grade school she always came to them for help with her homework and although she rarely had art related homework, when she did it was a disaster because of them. He and Sam were equally matched in their lack of artistic ability; which they were reminded of a few years back when they were making Becca’s graduation banner. Sam helping anyone paint spelled horrors.

 

“I hope he appreciates my skills more than you.”

 

“No one appreciates you more than I do, Sam,” he turned to look at him with puppy dog eyes. “You know you’re my heart’s one and only, the apple of my eye, the one I’ll love forever and always.”

 

Sam put his hand on his chest and tipped his head back slightly. “Be still my beating heart!” he gasped, “Are you _finally_ going to make an honest man out of me, Mr. Barnes?”

 

“I need to ask Darlene first, that’s how courting works.”

 

“Mama!” Sam shouted and Bucky outright cackled.

 

Later that night, Bucky went home and found a message on his answering machine. He pressed play then sat on the couch to listen.

 

 _“Uh, hey Buck, it’s Steve. I know you're workin’ tonight but I just wanted to call anyway...”_ Steve coughed awkwardly, _“I was listenin’ to a record with Roxie and I thought’a you; there's so much stuff I've gotta teach you! I have a bunch’a music you've gotta hear asap, it'll change your life! Next time I get a hold of ya school is in session!”_ Steve sighed, his exasperation with himself clear. _“I'll let ya go for now though. Night, Buck.”_

 

There was something about Steve’s voice that filled him with a bone deep satisfaction. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but hearing it made him feel completely at ease; it was odd but needed more often than not. He was always carrying around stress even if he wasn’t consciously aware of it.

 

Although it was after ten, Bucky decided to call Steve back. He picked up the phone and quickly dialed Steve’s number, tapping his foot on the ground as he waited. Steve picked up on the third ring.

 

“Who this?” Steve mumbled, his voice slurred from sleep.

 

“Shit, sorry for waking you. I didn't think you'd be asleep,” Bucky said with a sigh.

 

“Bucky?” Steve sounded more awake now, and he sounded kind of happy. It made Bucky’s chest tighten pleasantly. “S’about time you called me back. I've been waiting on you for like an hour,” Steve teased.

 

“Oh dear, I can hardly believe my own rudeness! I sincerely apologize,” Bucky said in as posh a tone as he could muster. Steve snorted and made Bucky grin like a fool.

 

“You’re gettin’ a free pass tonight - but never do it again or else you’re in for it,” said Steve in a stern voice, “I’m a one strike kinda guy.”

 

“Thanks for being so gracious.”

 

Steve hummed noncommittally before speaking, “So how was your day?”

 

“It was pretty good; I managed to not scald myself while making pasta sauce so that was good.” Burning himself at least a little bit was a common theme for him when it came to making sauce - he just couldn’t seem to get a good grasp of doing it. Darlene taught him time and time again but he still had a difficult time getting the hang of it. “I’m getting better at it, the seasoning was right, too.”

 

Steve whooped loudly, “Good job! I told you you could do it!” Hearing him get so excited was extremely cute.

 

“I could make it for you one day,” Bucky offered quietly, “I mean if you want.”

 

“Of course I want. It’s not every day that a chef wants to cook for me!”

 

“You’re a fucking geek.”

 

“Maybe I won’t invite you over then!” Steve huffed. “You’ll have to cook for me at _your_ house which means then you’ll have to do the dishes all by yourself after I leave.”

 

“You’re gonna dine and dash? As a restaurateur I have no tolerance for that.”

 

“Restaurateur my fucking ass, Mr. Line Cook.”

 

“Eat a dick.”

 

“I did this morning!” Steve shouted unexpectedly and Bucky gasped, then started to cackle. He definitely wasn’t expecting that, but with Steve he should’ve.

 

“Besides eating a dick, how’d your day go?”

 

“It was actually great. Some older women came in today and I managed to make some sales,” Steve sounded proud of himself and it rubbed off on Bucky, “I’m tellin’ ya, older women love me the most.”

 

Steve was a cologne and perfume salesman at Nordstrom, so he worked mainly on commission. Older women always seemed to buy more than any other group because of Steve’s self-proclaimed _sweet face and gentle soul_. Steve was a people person and he was gorgeous, both helped him in his line of work.

 

“Most of them bought cologne for their grandsons or husbands or whatever and asked me for my opinion.”

 

“You sold them the most expensive one, didn’t you?” Bucky asked and tsked.

 

“Well they wanted my opinion and I gave them it! It’s not my fault that rich people want the finer things in life,” Steve replied. “If I were rich I’d buy all that shit for sure. But because I’m not, I make do.”

 

“How do you manage that?”

 

“Quick hands and an innocent face.”

 

“You _steal?_ ” Bucky was shocked by it and couldn’t hide it at all. Nordstrom was an insanely expensive place, which meant that they had pretty tight security, so Steve stealing from it was a risk.

 

“It’s not a huge deal.”

 

“Yes it is! Steve, you could get in trouble. You could get _arrested!_ ”

 

Steve sighed. “I know you’re a worrier, but I’m good at it. I’ve never gotten caught and I’ve worked there for a year.”

 

“That’s still not comforting.”

 

“I don’t do it for fun; I help my family and they help others with the stuff I get it,” Steve explained. “I can’t afford to do what I wish I could, so I do what I actually can do. It’s not the best but it’s life.”

 

Bucky chewed on his lip as he digested what Steve said. Stealing wasn’t right, that was what he’d been taught and what he knew, but he understood what Steve was getting at. He couldn’t agree with his methods but he couldn’t judge him either, because he had no right to. Everyone did things that they weren’t proud of to survive at some point in their lives.

 

“I’m not a bad person,” Steve whispered as though he was having trouble believing it himself.

 

Bucky’s chest ached. “I don’t think you are.”

 

“The situation is just bad. If I had the money I’d do more and I’d do it right.”

 

“Steve, Stevie,” Bucky said softly, “I’m not judging you and I don’t think you’re doing a bad thing. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone least of all me.”

 

“Buck… I have work tomorrow so I gotta go,” Steve’s voice was pinched as though he was in pain and Bucky hated that he’d done that. He didn’t know if he should apologize or if that would make things worse.

 

“Night, Stevie,” Bucky murmured.

 

“Night Buck.”

 

Bucky closed his eyes when the line disconnected, wishing he could do something to help Steve.

 

*****

 

Los Angeles was three hours behind New York, so Becca’s calls had to be timed properly. Their calls were usually on Monday mornings so that they could start their week properly, but lately it had been difficult for their schedules to meet. Becca was extremely busy with her school work and her part-time job and Bucky was just as busy with his job. Darlene made it easier by giving him later shifts on Mondays, but sometimes it just didn’t work out.

 

That week, after almost a month of no calls, they finally connected. It was eleven thirty in the morning in New York and eight thirty in Los Angeles, just before Becca’s first class of the day. Bucky was due at work by one, which gave him just enough time to talk to her.

 

“Hey Becca,” Bucky’s voice was still rough from sleep despite him having been up for over an hour. “How are you?”

 

“Bucky!” she shouted and made him grin. It was nice to hear her voice after so long. “I’m great, super busy but still great. How are you? How’s work?”

 

“Darlene is teaching me how to cook more dishes and I’m doing really well. I think I might be able to start working alongside her soon.” The thought of that was both frightening and exciting; he loved being a line cook, but he wanted to show Darlene that he had taken everything she was teaching him to heart and really trying his hardest.

 

“That’s fucking amazing!”

 

“Language, Rebecca Barnes.” He could hear her rolling her eyes.

 

“Shut up,” she said as some papers rustled in the background and he smiled; her having homework from university was still a novelty to him.

 

“Tell me something you learned.”

 

Becca hummed for a minute. “Well my professor told us about this new strain of cancer that’s been popping up more and more recently.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“It’s really scary; there isn’t much information to go off of but so far it’s only been found in gay men.”

 

“What’re you talking about?” he forced his voice to remain steady and pushed his fear down. His heart was starting to pound but if he showed it he would have to explain why he was so scared. “Why haven’t I heard anything about it?”

 

“It's been in a few papers, but it's not common knowledge because only 40 or so men have contracted it so far,” she sounded unaffected by it, and that bothered him. How was she talking about it so calmly when people’s lives were at stake? “It's called Kaposi’s Sarcoma.”

 

“Why is it only gay men that have it?”

 

“No one really knows yet,” she sighed, “but the patients who have it have been mainly homosexual men. It's not contagious, thankfully.”

 

Bucky shook his head. _Thankfully_ \- how was there anything to be thankful about in that situation? Men were getting _cancer_ and the only thing that doctors really cared about was that it was contained.

 

“Damn it, I've gotta head out now. Sorry this conversation turned depressing,” she did sound genuinely sorry, so Bucky let it go.

 

“Have a good day at school, Becca,” he said quietly in an attempt to disguise his growing fear. There was terror swirling around in his stomach that he couldn't show to anyone, least of all his sister.

 

“You too, Buck.”

 

The minute she hung up Bucky put the phone back on the base and sat down on the floor, his entire body shaking and his breathing laboured. He covered his face with both hands and tried to regain control over himself, but it was too much.

 

Cancer was a terrifying thing in itself; anyone could be diagnosed with any of the different forms of it at anytime and start the fight against it, but that new form of cancer was a more targeted thing. To make matters worse, no one knew what caused it to start popping up, or why gay men were the only ones to contract it.

 

Bucky couldn't help but think of everyone he'd met and made friends with at the ball and after that; what was going to happen to them? How many of them would get sick? And Steve. Did Steve know about any of this or know anyone with it?

 

Worse, _could Steve get it?_

 

The thought made him get up and run to the kitchen so that he could throw up in the sink. He waited until he had calmed down enough to call Sam and tell him that he was sick and couldn't make it to work. He felt bad for leaving the restaurant down a cook on such short notice, but Sam assured him that it was fine and all he needed to do was get better. The only way he could feel even remotely better was if he found out more information about Kaposi’s Sarcoma and how to protect himself and Steve, if he could at all.

 

It took an hour to calm himself down enough to go out; he decided to go to a library and find anything he could about the disease. He needed to read up on it and see how bad it was, then decide what course of action he needed to take. There was no use in panicking without just cause.

 

With it being a Monday morning, the library barely had anyone in it. That was better for Bucky’s purposes; he didn't want anyone seeing what he was looking at because they would assume things - even if they were strangers, he couldn't have them thinking that he was gay. That was a secret, and depending on how had the disease was, it would be one forever.

 

There were four stands by the front of the library that had newspapers from around the country, some of them newer than others. Bucky found the stack that had a few of the old copies of The New York Times and took everything from the last few weeks, then seated himself at a carrel desk in the corner of the room. He searched through the papers, looking at the index and trying to find any stories that were about Kaposi’s Sarcoma. It took him less than ten minutes to find it; there was an article from earlier that month written by Lawrence K. Altman, the title in all capitals;

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **_RARE CANCER SEEN IN 41 HOMOSEXUALS_ **

 

Bucky’s stomach dropped and he gripped the paper in both hands as he read it the first paragraph.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _“Doctors in New York and California have diagnosed among homosexual men 41 cases of a rare and often rapidly fatal form of cancer. Eight of the victims died less than 24 months after the diagnosis was made.”_

 

He consumed the entire article, reading it once quickly and going back to re-read it a few more times. Every little detail, no matter if it was a statistic, name, or a grammatical device, was catalogued in his mind and imbedded deep inside of him. He needed to know everything, if he didn’t there was no hope at all; it would all be over, that place that he had just been welcomed into with open arms would die out like the final embers of a once brilliant light.

 

*****

 

Days passed by like dripping honey; the heat was nearly unbearable which made the hours seem like years, the streets were clogged with people, and Bucky had withdrawn.

 

Bucky went to work and did his job efficiently, but he avoided interaction with anyone. Even when it came to talking to Sam or any of the Wilson family; he was quiet and barely able to carry a conversation. Sam asked him what was wrong a few times but after not getting much a response, he knew better than to keep it up. When Bucky was upset, he needed to come get help for himself, not be forced into it.

 

The worst part of all was that he refused to take calls from Steve. He couldn’t talk to him after what he found out because he was terrified of breaking down on him and losing his rationality. There was a voice in his head that screamed a warning; _stay away from Steve and you won’t get hurt. Box that part of yourself up and hide it, it’s safer._

 

It was safer that way, or at least Bucky was trying to convince himself it was. Distancing himself from Steve protected him from the heartache that would come if something ever happened to him. Living that way was lonely but it saved him from the pain of losing someone important to him.

 

*****

 

It took a conversation with Darlene to break him out of his own head. On a Sunday morning, before his brunch shift started, Darlene brought him out to the empty dining room and sat them down at a table in the corner, far away from the kitchen. Neither of them said anything for a while, but they didn’t need to. Just her presence was calming and he could feel concern coming off of her in waves. Darlene was his mother, his only parent; he never knew his birth mother and his father was nothing to speak of. She kept him and Becca safe, gave them a place to call home and taught them how to support themselves. She cared about them as if they were her own children and that would never change. That was why he knew he could trust her more than anyone, but also why he was terrified of telling her the truth of the matter.

 

Bucky’s knees were bouncing beneath the table and when Darlene picked up on it, her expression pinched with worry. He wanted to explain what was happening to her and get her advice, but he couldn’t. If she didn’t accept him or were disgusted by him, he would be heartbroken.

 

Darlene put her hand out on the table for Bucky to take, and his heart twisted painfully. He put his hand in hers and she squeezed it tightly enough for it to be comforting. “Sweetheart,” Darlene said softly, “I know something’s wrong and I know you want to talk about it. I can see it on your face. What’s goin’ on?” Bucky swallowed hard and didn’t meet her eyes. “You don’t havta tell me, but you and I both know it’ll help.”

 

Bucky nodded. “I… It’s just… there’s this person.”

 

Darlene looked like she figured as much. “That you like?” she offered and he nodded again.

 

“I really - I care about them a lot, but it’s complicated. There’s some stuff,” he shook his head, aggravated with not knowing what to say. “I don't know how to get closer to them without getting even more terrified of what'll happen when I lose them.”

 

“Not every relationship has to end in loss, not every relationship has to end at all,” Darlene said and squeezed his hand again. “I know that you're scared but you can't let that fear ruin you. If you cut yourself off from everyone you won't have much of a life at all.”

 

Bucky’s eyes burned with tears. She was right, but it wasn't easy to just go with that. He wanted to run to Steve and apologize for ignoring him and try to mend what he'd broken. “I - I can't lose him,” he whispered and just barely resisted the urge to fold into himself and hide.

 

He’d admitted it was a guy that had him so lost.

 

Darlene didn't pull her hand away, she didn't make any mean comments, she stayed just as she was. “Bucky, honey, look at me,” she murmured. He couldn't do it. “This guy, he's very important to you?”

 

Bucky nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

“And you've been avoiding him,” she tsked. “You know I raised you better than to run away from ya feelings, honey. You're not working today.”

 

His head shot up and his eyes were wide with fear, “Y-You're _firing_ me?”

 

“No, of course not!” she exclaimed. “I want you to go home, get changed, and find him.”

 

“W-Why?”

 

“Because you can't go on like this. You miss him and I'm sure he misses you,” she said, “I can't allow you to let whatever this is pass you by.”

 

Bucky tried to smile and although it fell flat, Darlene smiled back. He used his other hand to wipe away the tears that he'd managed to hold and sniffled. “I didn't tell you yet,” Bucky’s voice was surprisingly small, “I don't think I can.”

 

She shook her head, “And you don't ever have to, not unless you want to.”

 

“You know I love ya, Darlene,” he said and hoped that his sincerity came through. “You're the best Ma I coulda asked for.”

 

She let go of his hand, her eyes glistening, and waved him off. “That's enough outta you Bucky. I can't be cryin’ during brunch service or I'll chop a finger off.”

 

“It might not be yours though.”

 

“Get going smartass.”

 

Bucky chuckled and stood up.

 

“I love ya too, honey. You're my son just as much as Samuel is - maybe even more,” said Darlene and Bucky’s chest tightened.

 

“Thanks Ma.”

 

*****

 

Although it was Sunday, Bucky knew that Steve often picked up extra shifts on weekends, so he headed to Nordstrom. He got dressed as nicely as he could without being overdressed so he could fit in well enough and took the subway to Union Square. If Steve weren't there he would have to call him and after dodging his calls for so long, that would be more awkward than actually seeing him - at least for him because of how terrible he was on the phone.

 

There weren't many people on the subway, but Bucky zeroed in on two men in the back corner of the car he was on. They were sitting close, their bodies pressed almost seamlessly together, and both reading from one newspaper. Longing filled him and he wondered how they could be so fearless; even if they weren't gay, they still didn't care if anyone saw them and assumed things. He sighed and leaned his head back against the window, watching the lights on the walls passing by in a blur.

 

On the walk to Nordstrom, Bucky started second guessing himself and his plan. What if Steve didn't want to see or talk to him? He had ever reason not to; Bucky had been avoiding him for quite some time and it was only fair for Steve to have his feelings hurt by it. His worries kept him occupied until he came to the front doors of Nordstrom and by then it was too late to turn back. He went inside and found the store directory, locating the makeup and fragrance area, and headed off to the second floor.

 

The floor was mainly empty, with only a few people mulling around the makeup counter and the handbags on the other side, which calmed him somewhat. His eyes scanned the room in an attempt to find Steve and he came up empty.

 

 _Fuck,_ he thought. _He's probably not even working today!_

 

Forcing himself to stay hopeful, Bucky walked over to the makeup counter and got the attention of the clerk. She smiled at him and walked over, fixing her name tag as she went. “Hello and welcome to our little boutique,” she said, “How can I help you?”

 

“Uh, I was just wondering if Steve is working here?” Bucky asked.

 

Her eyebrows furrowed, “Steve?”

 

“He works with fragrances here,” he mumbled, losing confidence. He hated how easily he lost his nerve in situations like that. “He takes shifts on the weekend a lot.”

 

Recognition clicked in her eyes, “Oh, Rogers! He's kind of on a little bit of a leave right now.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don't know all of the circumstances and even if I did, I can't really tell you. Policy and such, you know how it is.”

 

It was disappointing but he understood, “Thanks for your help,” he peered at her name tag, “Trish.”

 

“Of course. Have a nice day!”

 

“You too,” Bucky replied and started to walk away but thought better of it at the last second. “Do you know where a phone I can use is?”

 

“There's a pay phone downstairs by the back exit.”

 

“Thanks again,” Bucky said with a smile and left. He made his way back downstairs and found a bank of three phones just where she'd said. Fishing out his wallet, he took out a few coins and pushed them into the slot, picking up the receiver and dialing Steve’s number.

 

It took four rings for Steve to answer, and when he did he sounded tired, “Hello?”

 

Even so, his voice made the pressure in Bucky’s head ease.

 

“Hey Steve, it's Bucky.”

 

“Bucky?” Steve sounded shocked, which was all but erased by the time he spoke next, “I'm kind of busy right now.”

 

“I'm at Nordstrom,” Bucky blurted, “I came to see you ‘cuz I miss you and m’sorry for being an asshole but you aren't here so I'm calling from a pay phone.”

 

Steve was quiet for a few minutes.

 

“You were an asshole, dodging my calls and shit. I'd say you're forgiven but I'm pissed off at you right now.”

 

“I know, and I deserve it. I just… I was scared,” he said and hoped it didn’t sound like an attempt at getting out of what he’d done. It was an excuse, but it was also a reason, or the beginning of one.

 

“Why?”

 

In that moment, Bucky completely forgot about Kaposi's Sarcoma. All he could was remember were his reservations about having feelings for Steve and admitting it to himself. “I’m just - this is all kind of terrifying. I don’t know how to be this person.”

 

“What person, Buck? Your sexuality is part of you, it doesn’t make you someone you’re not.”

 

“It’s, it’s not that simple. I’m not… I’ve never allowed myself to have _this._ I feel like someone else is tearing through and trying to screw up everything; there’s too much of a risk, I can’t be _him_.”

 

“So you’re just gonna hide it?” Steve sounded upset for him even though he’d done nothing to deserve it, “That’s no way to live.”

 

“That’s why I’m calling you. I miss you - can I come to your place?” he tried to keep the desperation out of his voice and couldn’t tell if he failed or not. People were starting to file through and look at him, the attention made his skin crawl.

 

“Sure,” Steve finally replied and Bucky sighed in relief. “It’ll take ya an hour to get back here so I’ll grab us some lunch.”

 

Bucky smiled, “Thanks Stevie.”

 

“Get goin’,” he said and hung up. Bucky put the phone back and spun around, only to find a woman standing behind him. He jumped, his hand flying to his chest.

 

“She seems mad,” the woman said sympathetically. Bucky could only give her an uncomfortable smile. “Hope you can fix things.”

 

“Thanks.” He wondered how she would feel if she knew that he had been talking to a man.

 

*****

 

By the time he got to Steve’s building, Steve was already waiting at the front door with a take out bag in his hand. He smiled when he spotted Bucky and it made him stumble a few steps.

 

“Walk much?” Steve asked, still smiling.

 

Bucky snorted, “Shut up, dickhead,” he replied and stopped just shy of where Steve stood. “It’s good to see you.”

 

Steve ducked his head slightly. “Yeah,” he said faintly, “I - I missed you, Buck.”

 

Bucky was nearly strangled by the urge to beg for forgiveness. Steve didn’t seem overly angry at him anymore, but he still needed to show how sorry he was. Steve had to know that he hadn’t avoided him out of spite or anything like that - it had nothing to do with him, it was all Bucky.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Steve shook his head, “Let’s go inside and eat, I’m fuckin’ starving.”

 

Steve lived on the third floor of his building, so they took the stairs instead of the elevator. Bucky was kind of tired from going back and forth on the subway and running to Nordstrom, but he wouldn’t complain. Steve let him into his apartment and they both went straight to the kitchen to dish out the food. He blanched when he saw that the bag was from Darlene’s restaurant.

 

“You like _Wilson’s_?” he squeaked.

 

Steve nodded and grabbed plates out of the cupboard. “Their food is the best,” Steve answered. “I love their pasta sauce - something about it is just so different than any other.”

 

It wasn't Bucky’s recipe, not even close, but he still took pride in Steve’s compliment. He made that sauce a lot those days and it made him very happy to know that Steve liked it.

 

“ _Wilson’s_ my friend’s family’s place; that's where I work,” he said, sticking his chest out.

 

Steve turned on his heels and gaped at him, “You told me about making pasta sauce at work. You make _the_ sauce?” his voice was nearing a shout by the end of his sentence.

 

“Yes, indeed.”

 

Steve started looking around frantically, then went around in the kitchen throwing drawers and cabinets opened. Bucky stared in utter confusion. He came back with a decorative spoon that had a picture of Elvis on the handle. Falling to one knee, Steve held the spoon up to Bucky.

 

“James Bucky Barnes, will you marry me?”

 

Bucky blushed from head to toe.

 

“You only want me for my sauce.”

 

“I have only the purest intentions. I want you to be my husband,” Steve deadpanned. Bucky grinned and took the spoon.

 

“Yes, Steven, I'll marry you,” he said, pretending to be choked up. Steve laughed and stood up.

 

“I want you to remember that you've promised yourself to me when gay marriage becomes legal.”

 

“That's happening?” he couldn't hide his surprise.

 

“Well it will anytime now, there's no reason for it to be held back.”

 

“I'll make sure to remember when the time comes,” he promised, “Can I keep the spoon?”

 

“Duh. That's your engagement spoon, you _have to_ keep it or else the engagement is null and void.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Of course. I know the law like the back of my hand, I'm a regular Magnum.”

 

“I don't think P.I’s really know the law that well.”

 

“Says an average citizen,” Steve snarked and went back to dishing out food. Bucky walked over to stand beside him, silently taking a plate and helping him.

 

It was too easy for them to fall into a rhythm; they worked together effortlessly, even though they were just putting food on plates, it still felt like something was beginning to bloom between them.

 

Once they finished their plates, Bucky brought them to the living room while Steve went to put on some music. He was clearly excited to be showing Bucky new music, so Bucky was more than willing to hear it. Seeing Steve’s excitement was enough of a reason to do anything that he wanted.

 

 _“Come shine a light on me, come and set me free…”_ the singer’s voice was perfect for the beat of the song, the slow build up of it and the power that was about to begin.

 

“What is this?” asked Bucky.

 

Steve came dancing back to him and flopped down on the couch beside him. “ _Set Me Free_ by Mylene Cruz and The Soul Madonnas. It’s pretty much the best song ever created,” Steve shoved a piece of a chicken into his mouth, speaking around it. “It’s really only a few years old but it’s legendary.”

 

“I like it.”

 

Steve started to sing along, using his fork to conduct the music, “These chains on me won’t let me be, you’ve got the keys, come rescue me!”

 

_“Come set me free, come set me free. You’ve got the keys, come rescue me, come set me free!”_

 

The beat was catchy and the singer was amazingly talented, but something about the lyrics struck a chord within him. It reminded him of gospel music, which brought back memories of his own life. Going to a Catholic school and learning right from wrong according to his father, working hard to escape the lingering restraints that his father had placed on him and Becca. He could feel the freedom in the singer’s voice and the hope, the desire to grow bigger than the people around her would allow.

 

Bucky was completely amazed by the song; he’d gotten completely enraptured in the story of it. “I really loved it,” he told Steve once it ended. “It was incredible.”

 

Steve beamed, “I just knew you would. You really had to or else I would’ve questioned our friendship - if you don’t like Mylene Cruz and The Soul Madonnas then you’ve got no taste and I can’t associate with that.”

 

“I have great taste - I like you after all,” Bucky said without really thinking. He was just joking around but much to his amazement Steve blushed.

 

“Well there is that.”

 

After playing a few more songs, Steve put on the t.v. and found a channel playing _The Exorcist_ for them to watch. Bucky wasn’t the biggest fan of horror movies but sitting there in comfortable silence with Steve was incentive. They ended up inching a little closer without realizing, and if either one of them did notice, they didn’t choose to say anything.

 

Seeing Regan laid up in bed reminded Bucky of Trisha telling him about Steve being on leave. “So you’re on leave from work?” Bucky asked, his eyes still trained on the screen.

 

Steve sighed, “Yeah I am. One of the girls in my house is sick so we’re all pitchin’ in to help.”

 

Nothing came into Bucky’s head except for admiration for Steve and the Maximas. He loved that they pulled together when one of their own needed help. “How’s she doin’?”

 

“A little better since she’s started taking antibiotics. She don’t got healthcare so it’s a bit tight for her, but we’re makin’ do,” Steve didn’t look overly worried about it. “It’s just some kinda virus, nothing major.”

 

“I’m sure she’ll get over it soon,” he said just to be reassuring. He didn’t know the extent of it but he trusted Steve’s judgement.

 

Regan started to speak in a demonic voice and caught their attention, ending the conversation.

 

*****

 

1981 blurred into 1982. Business at _Wilson’s_ was great and Bucky was shadowing Darlene more, Becca was doing well in school, and Steve was a constant fixture in Bucky’s life. It was slowly becoming easier for Bucky to accept himself, which was more freeing than anything he'd ever experienced.

 

Going to balls was almost normal for him now. Almost every friday night there was one for him to go to and he went - so long as Steve went too. He also met up with Roxie and Jessi outside of balls or clubs, sometimes just to go for lunch or hang out. It was fun to have more people to talk to.

 

Roxie was set to come in for lunch at the restaurant that day, having finally agreed to accept Bucky’s invitation. She had been apprehensive about coming because she didn't want to make things awkward for him if someone were to ask who she was or how they'd met; he reassured her that it wouldn't matter and that he wanted her there. Naturally, that was how Sam met her.

 

A few minutes after lunch service started, Sam came running into the kitchen. “Bucky Barnes, there is a beautiful woman waiting for you out there and I want to know who the hell she is and why she wants your sorry ass,” he said breathlessly.

 

“Roxie’s here!” Bucky shouted with a grin.

 

He turned to Darlene and she smiled. “Off you go,” she said and knocked into him with her hip, “Get outta my kitchen.”

 

Bucky walked out with Sam hot on his trail. “Tell me who she is!” Sam growled. Bucky didn't say anything in response. “Jesus christ Barnes tell me!”

 

Roxie came into view and lit up when she saw him. She was in what she called _daytime drag_ ; she was wearing an _Air Supply_ tour tee and her patent high waisted jeans, and the wig she was wearing was a wavy dark red bob. She looked amazing - it was nothing new but deserved recognition. She waved when she saw him, her whole face lighting up. Sam inhaled sharply behind him.

 

“I think I'm in love,” Sam sounded dazed, so Bucky grabbed his arm and dragged him over to Roxie’s table.

 

“Hey Roxie, I'm so glad you made it,” he said and sat down, pulling Sam with him. Sam coughed and stomped on Bucky’s foot under the table. “Roxie, this is Sam.”

 

She smiled at Sam and batted her eyelashes a little. “ _The_ Sam?” she asked, her accent coming out more for dramatic flair.

 

“Oh god. What did he tell you?” Sam asked after a pointed glare in Bucky’s direction.

 

Roxie chuckled, “No need to worry; he just told me that you're his brother from another mother and you're his best friend. He never mentioned how handsome you are, though.”

 

Sam was in danger of full on swooning.

 

“Sam’s not my type,” Bucky said with a shrug, “He's pretty gross.”

 

“It's rude to disagree with a lady,” Sam said, turning his attention back to Roxie. “It's unfortunate that you met this dumbass before me - I know how to treat ladies better than he does. I'd show you a good time,” Sam winked at her.

 

“That's very sweet of you, but I don't think my girlfriend would like that very much. She's the jealous type.”

 

Sam’s eyes bulged out of his head. “Damn it, I never had a shot!” he sighed. “But if your girlfriend’s half as nice as you, I'm okay with bowing out gracefully.”

 

Roxie giggled, “I'll tell her my gentleman caller gave up.”

 

“I didn't give up, I made the decision to step away in order to preserve your relationship.”

 

Needless to say, Bucky was thoroughly surprised with Sam’s reaction to Roxie having a girlfriend. From what Sam knew, Roxie was a lesbian, but there was not even an ounce of judgement or disgust. He wasn't at all fazed by the change of pace and didn't seem to see her any differently. He hadn't thought that Sam was a bigot, but it was still a nice surprise.

 

“Bucky?” Roxie asked, taking him out of his thoughts.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You just kinda zoned out there. You okay?” she sounded truly concerned.

 

“I'm fine, just thinkin’.”

 

Sam guffawed, “That's new!”

 

“You shut up,” he hissed and shoved Sam.

 

Roxie was watching them with such fondness in her eyes, it was as though she's known them for years and was used to the way they were with each other.

 

“Don't you have something to be doing, Samuel? It's not your break yet,” hissed Bucky.

 

Sam made a face at him and stood up. “I'm sorry about him, Roxie. He was raised in a barn,” he said, smiling sweetly at her.

 

“I'm telling Darlene that; she'll have your head!” Bucky threatened, but Sam paid him no mind.

 

“I hope I'll see you again, preferably without this creature lurking around.”

 

“I'll get Bucky to give ya my number,” she purred.

 

Sam looked faint, “God bless America,” he huffed and walked away.

 

“I like him,” Roxie said. She propped her head on her hand. “He's funny, pretty cute, too.”

 

“I'm sure Jessi would be happy about that opinion.”

 

“Oh please, she's not worried because she knows that she's the one for me,” she said with a small smile. Her voice changed completely when she talked about Jessi; love and bliss infused each and every word.

 

Bucky found himself envious once more.

 

“Speaking of _the one_ , do you have anyone in mind for yourself?” she asked, although she knew exactly who he wanted.

 

“No,” he replied. He wanted to sound confident and truthful but failed miserably. His crush on Steve was no secret and had never been one; the first time he met Roxie she’d caught him in the throes of infatuation. That intense infatuation died down after getting to know Steve, it was more like a strong crush, but it was still there clear as day.

 

“I wouldn’t normally call anyone out for matters such as this but man, I know you. Stevie is right there in front of you and you won’t make a move - neither of ya will,” she pursed her lips at him, “It’s hurtin’ me.”

 

“I won't do anything to scare her off,” he sounded just as dejected as he felt, “I don't wanna lose her.”

 

“Bucky, believe me when I say that if you make a move, she won't be scared.”

 

“I've -,” he cut himself off with a groan, “I want to be with Stevie, I just don't know how to go about approaching this.”

 

“When I first met Jessi,” Roxie started, “I was a nervous wreck. It was at a nightclub and I wasn’t myself, I was just Brandon, and there was this beautiful woman dancing by the bar. She was like an angel with two left feet and I knew I had to be part of her life somehow. One giant mess of a first conversation and a year later, we’re together and ready to tie the knot.”

 

Bucky’s eyes widened and Roxie blushed. “I mean I haven’t proposed or anything, but I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with her. We don’t need to officially get married to be life partners. I just haven’t… that’s one thing that I’m unsure of myself.”

 

“If you choose to propose to her, I know she’ll say yes. She loves you so much,” he said gently.

 

Roxie grinned from ear to ear, “Now onto you and Stevie; I think you should ask her out.”

 

“But _how?_ ” he was trying his hardest to keep himself from whining again but it was difficult.

 

Roxie made a soft noise at him. “Well you'll be asking Steve out, so focus on the cute boy who you like instead of the beautiful woman you're infatuated with.”

 

“That doesn't help.”

 

“What I'm saying is, Steve is a dork. He's a major sweetheart who’s in love with music, dumb movies, and is the most genuine soul to ever roam the earth. There's nothing to be intimidated by; just be honest and upfront about your feelings, and he'll be upfront about his.”

 

“Why do you have to be so rational all the time?” he huffed.

 

Roxie smirked at him, “I'm just the best, that's all.”

 

*****

 

Inviting Steve over after work was Roxie’s idea, but Bucky went through with it so he could take a little bit of the credit. He left a message on Steve’s answering machine asking if he wanted to come over after coming home and told him to call if he was going to. Being optimistic, Bucky bought some snacks and got out a few games. He had a few board games and toys that he and Becca played with as kids; he smuggled them out of his father’s house when they left, and having them made dark days a little brighter.

 

They meant a lot to him and he hoped that Steve would like them as much as he did.

 

At around seven, there was a soft knock on Bucky’s door. He opened it and found Steve standing there with a look of utter dejection on his face; his shoulders were slumped and his hair was hanging in his face. His entire demeanour screamed defeat and sadness.

 

“Steve?” Bucky asked, worry drenching his name.

 

Steve looked up at him and smiled grimly, “I got canned.”

 

“Come in,” he said and stepped aside. Steve walked in and went straight for the couch. “What happened?”

 

“I got caught _shoplifting_ ,” Steve replied, flopping down onto the couch. He rubbed his hand over his face before continuing, “So they fired me on the spot. Guess they saw me before and let it slide, but they decided to skip all the formalities and get rid of me. M’lucky they didn’t press any charges.”

 

“It’s good that they didn’t. If you’ve stolen a lot of stuff then you’d have been in real trouble,” he pointed out with the least amount of judgement possible. He didn’t want to have Steve angry with him, especially when he really wasn’t trying to be judgemental or rude.

 

Steve hummed his agreement, “You're right, but it still fucking sucks. I actually enjoyed working there most of the time. And now I can’t even help my family out anymore.”

 

Ideas swirled around in Bucky’s head before one singled out; he could get Steve a job at _Wilson’s._ Darlene was known to take chances and Bucky would vouch for him so that he would have a job and could help his House. “How would you feel about being a server?” he asked, hoping that Steve would bite the bait.

 

Steve’s eyebrows furrowed, “Uh, I’ve never been one before, but since I’ve worked in customer service before I think I could do it pretty well.”

 

“How’s your coordination?”

 

“Pretty solid, I can walk in heels like a champ and I’m fast about it. I also have a super good memory.”

 

“I can’t make any concrete promises,” Bucky said, “But I'll try to get you a job at _Wilson’s_. There’s a position open right now and I’m sure Darlene will at least give you a trial run.”

 

Steve was quiet for a second, then whispered, “You’d help me like that?”

 

“Of course. You’re my friend and you’d help me if I were in the same situation.”

 

“But you wouldn’t ever be,” Steve mumbled, “You’re not dumb enough to steal things and think you’ll get away with it forever.” The amount of self-loathing in his voice was almost heartbreaking; in the year they’d known each other, he’d never sounded like that even once.

 

“If I had to help my family, I would do anything I could. I would do whatever was necessary to keep them safe and happy without a second thought,” he said and took Steve’s hand, “That’s what you’ve been doin’ this whole time. I know I was a dick about it before, but I respect you for doing what was necessary.”

 

“You’re gonna make me cry, ya jerk,” Steve said, sniffling, “Fuckin’ ridiculous.”

 

“How are you gonna cry over this, but not cry when people died in _The Exorcist?_ ”

 

“People dying was a given! This sentimental stuff was just sprung on me!”

 

Bucky fake glared at him and shouted, “See if I’m ever nice to you again!”

 

“Oh shut up, drama queen,” Steve said and looked at the coffee table where Bucky had set up the games. His eyes widened comically and his lips made an ‘o’ shape. “You’ve got _games?_ ”

 

“Yeah, I thought we could play them. But if you don’t feel like it -”

 

“Nu-uh, Bucky Barnes, we are playing all of ‘em tonight and I’m gonna kick your ass.”

 

Bucky scoffed, “You wish, Rogers! I’m the king of any and all games.”

 

“Let’s play _Life_ and see how badass I am,” Steve said, squaring his jaw and narrowing his eyes. It must’ve been his determined face and Bucky found it hysterical.

 

“You look like a horse when you do that!” he cackled.

 

Steve smacked his arm, “Shut up, you demon, let’s get playing.”

 

 _Life_ was a fun game, but a surprisingly difficult one. Ending up with a good life from what you were dealt was nearly impossible because of all the twists the player could be given. By the fourth turn, Steve was living it up with two cars and over one hundred thousand dollars, while Bucky was nearly bankrupt and had two kids.

 

“You know my daughters are gonna be disappointed when I can't get them a VCR for Christmas,” Bucky told Steve, his voice completely serious. “They've been askin’ for one for months.”

 

Steve gave him a sad look and said, “I can give you the money, as an early Christmas present, of course.”

 

“Of course,” Bucky said and sighed. “Gosh, Lois isn't gonna be able to go to dance class if I don't get her cha-cha heels!”

 

Steve snorted. “Poor Lois! I'm sure I have a spare pair to give her!”

 

Bucky nearly fell over, “Will she fit into them?”

 

Steve thought about it, tapping his chin. “Well that might make for a problem.”

 

“I have a proposal,” Bucky said and leaned forward, “if you're up for it.”

 

“Uh,” Steve grabbed the bowl of _Doritos_ off of the coffee table and settled back in, “now you may tell me.”

 

“I have my engagement spoon in the kitchen and there's a church right there,” he pointed to the church square, “so let's get married now.”

 

“If it'll save Lois and Leah then why not,” Steve replied. He grabbed both of their pieces and placed them on the square. “Lois can get her cha-cha heels and Leah can enjoy the VCR.”

 

“A marriage of convenience is still a valid marriage.”

 

“Excuse me, but I proposed to you out of love. I don't love you any less because of the twins, if that's what you're trying to say.”

 

“I'm sorry, baby, please forgive me,” Bucky said gently. Colour rose in Steve’s cheeks and neck, surprising Bucky completely. “How about it, baby doll? Forgive this fool.”

 

Steve shoved a handful of chips into his mouth, which didn't disguise how badly he was blushing. “I guess we can start fresh,” he said with his mouth still full, “just don't do it again. The kids’ll get the wrong idea.”

 

“Of course, I want the girls to know how real our love is.” There was an ache building in his chest, a longing seeping into his bones. He wanted to tell Steve about his feelings and ask him out on a real date, but he was scared of what would happen if Steve said no. “Hey, Steve?”

 

“Yeah?” Steve replied, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. All around his mouth was stained with bright orange powder, his hair was a mess from how many times he'd ran his fingers through it, he had his work uniform on and it was wrinkled to all hell, but he was beautiful. So beautiful it hurt.

 

Bucky was in love with him, there was no doubt about it.

 

“Perfection,” Bucky blurted.

 

Steve looked at him oddly. “Okay?”

 

“No I mean, I have _Perfection_. The game,” he explained quickly. “It's got all the pieces and everything, I'll go get it if you wanna play.”

 

Steve smiled shyly at him, nodding to himself. “Sure, Buck, sounds good.”

 

Bucky stood up and grabbed the box for _Life._ Steve took it from him and started cleaning up the cards, “Go get _Perfection_ and I'll take care of this.”

 

“Thanks,” he turned his back and felt a chip hit him in the back. He turned back around and lifted his eyebrow.

 

Steve shrugged, “I needed your attention.”

 

“For what?”

 

“I just… I like having it,” he admitted rather timidly. “Don't make fun of me.”

 

“I wouldn't ever,” Bucky pushed the box away and sat on the couch, closer to Steve than he had been all night. “Not even because I know that you got the Sith in your drag name from _Star Wars,_ which is fucking nerdy as all hell.”

 

Steve glared at him, feigning kicking at him. “ _Star Wars_ is a cinematic marvel and I wanted to pay tribute to the beauty of it.”

 

“Still nerdy.”

 

“Shut your damn mouth.”

 

“Or what?” Bucky challenged him, tilting his head. “What will you do?”

 

Instead of continuing to play annoyed, Steve’s expression softened completely. He stared at Bucky with something kin to adoration in his eyes; it made Bucky’s heart skip a beat and his face heat up. “What?” he asked, albeit breathless. Steve shook his head.

 

“You’re so fucking wonderful, you know that?”

 

“Steve…”

 

“I mean, you’ve been supporting me since we met and you’ve been an amazing friend. It might be dumb of me to want more, but I do,” he said and bit his lip. “I do want more.”

 

“ _More?_ ” Bucky hoped that he was talking about a relationship. It really was the only way he could be going with it, but that little piece of self doubt nestled inside of Bucky made it seem possible that there was something else.

 

“I’m terrible at this kind of thing - to be fair I haven’t really done much of it - but still. Do you wanna go on a date sometime?” he asked hastily, as though he was going to stop midway through asking but forced himself forward.

 

“Yes!” Bucky answered without missing a beat.

 

Steve jumped a little at the ferocity of it. “Really?”

 

“I was gonna ask you when I got the courage to. I’ve been tryin’ for a while now.”

 

Steve threw his head back and laughed, grabbing his chest. Bucky frowned at him until he quieted down. “Oh God, Buck I swear m’not laughin’ at you. It’s just that we’ve both been dancing in circles for the longest time when we wanted the exact same thing.”

 

It _was_ pretty funny.

 

“You’re such a jerk,” Bucky huffed and fell forward, pressing his forehead against Steve’s shoulder. Steve stiffened for a minute before his arms came to wrap around him. The feeling that came from being held made Bucky’s head spin in a delightful and unexpected way.

 

“Mmm, whatever you say,” Steve murmured and held him tighter.

 

That night marked the first time that Steve stayed the night; nothing happened except for some cuddling and talking, but that was all they needed.

 

*****

 

Later that year, another article by Lawrence K. Altman was published in _The New York Times_ ; it was on the front page with its title capitalized and bolded to draw in more attention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **NEW HOMOSEXUAL DISORDER WORRIES HEALTH OFFICIALS**

 

It was startling, a simultaneous splash of cold water against the faces of every homosexual man in New York. The contents of the article weren’t easy to ignore and even less easy to cope with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _“A SERIOUS disorder of the immune system that has been known to doctors for less than a year - a disorder that appears to affect primarily male homosexuals - has now afflicted at least 335 people, of whom it has killed 136, officials of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta said yesterday. Federal health officials are concerned that tens of thousands more homosexual men may be silently affected and therefore vulnerable to potentially grave ailments.”_

 

It gave the disorder a name other than Kaposi’s Sarcoma; A.I.D.S, meaning Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome, or GRID, meaning Gay-Related Immune Deficiency. It also contained the information that made the disorder not only a homosexual problem, but for bisexuals and heterosexuals as well.

 

There was a real epidemic going on, and no one knew how to stop it or if there was even a way. The only sure thing was that people were scared, and their fear was quickly breeding hatred instead of awareness.

 

*****

 

Watching Steve get ready for the ball was a sight that no one except for his drag family and now Bucky had gotten a chance to see. That night was Bucky’s induction into the world of _Stevie_ , and he was just as fascinated as he was excited. He never imagined that Steve would allow him to see something so _intimate_.

 

Steve was sitting in front of a small makeup table in the corner of his bedroom, all of his makeup laid out in front of him. Bucky was watching him with rapt attention, ready to absorb everything he saw and commit to memory. He was very curious about what it took to create the illusion that Steve wanted and spent so long cultivating.

 

“I'm not competing tonight,” Steve told him and picked up a stick of foundation, “well not really. I'm gonna be there to support my family so I'm gonna look good so I might win a prize, but nothing official.”

 

Prizes were often handed out for people in the crowd, usually best dressed, but it depended on who was holding it. “I'm sure you'll win,” he said and winked at him. Steve rolled his eyes.

 

“You don't havta butter me up, Barnes. You've already got me.”

 

Bucky’s heart threatened to rip right out of his chest. _He had Steve._ It was impossible to truly have him completely, as it was with everyone, but even having a single piece of him was an honour. Falling for someone like Steve was a lesson in heartbreak for most, but Bucky was fortunate to have his feelings returned. He was safe from pain for the time being, and happy above all else.

 

Steve applied the foundation all over his face, making sure it was completely even before doing anything else. He then picked up a darker stick and put it on his forehead, nose, cheekbones, and jaw, and used a brush to blend it all out. It created a contour to give Steve’s features a sharper look. He used a stick of lighter foundation to highlight the areas that had no contour, which lit up his face quite nicely. He looked at Bucky in the mirror and smiled.

 

“Bored yet?” he prodded, teasing yet slightly nervous. As if anything he could do would bore him.

 

“You're like a painting,” Bucky replied. For once he didn't stutter or blush after saying it; that time Steve did.

 

“M’wearin’ most of my makeup right now so of course I look better,” he grumbled. His makeup didn't cover how red his cheeks were and Bucky ate it up.

 

“You're fishin’ for compliments but I'm willin’ to give ‘em. You're beautiful, Steve or Stevie.”

 

“Smooth talker,” he said and picked up a small pencil and started filling in his eyebrows. He didn't spend much time on them, only darkening them a little bit so that they didn't look over done.

 

His eye makeup was a thing of beauty; he used a small brush to swipe black across his eyelids, fanning it out and blending it into a smoky eye. He added the faintest amount of glittery dark blue along his lash line and on his inner corner. A thin line of black eyeliner and mascara were next, then lipstick. The lipstick he chose was a glossy red, which he lined with a slightly darker shade. The finishing touch was a swipe of mauve blush on his cheeks.

 

Steve’s put his brushes down and looked back at the mirror, making eye contact with Bucky once more. He wasn't Stevie, not fully, but he was just as stunning. Steve wasn't anywhere near shy in his daily life, but when he finished his makeup he became someone new; he glowed with confidence and pride. The look they shared was nothing less than heated, and it made Bucky’s skin tingle. He felt as if he were let in on a big secret, or had walked in on Steve in a private moment and been invited to join instead of turned away.

 

He wanted to touch him so much that it physically pained him to deny himself that luxury.

 

Steve stood up and shrugged off the robe he’d been wearing, exposing his chest. Bucky swallowed roughly and his fingers twitched, desperate to disobey his brain and go on their way. The silence around them was suffocating and was almost a physical being trying to push them to do something, _anything_ , to lessen the agony that came from holding back their instincts.

 

Steve was the first to break their stare; he turned and walked behind the dressing screen in the other corner, effectively shutting Bucky out. Bucky sat on the bed and sighed - they'd missed out on a moment because of their hesitancy and it sucked. When would he get another chance to touch Steve so freely? It was all up in the air.

 

“Go in the closet and grab the leather jacket for me, will ya?” Steve asked. Bucky heard the sound of tape being ripped and he shuddered because he knew where it was going to go.

 

“Sure,” he answered and did as Steve asked. The jacket was much bigger than would fit Steve properly, in fact it were closer to Bucky’s size, but it was in good shape and had a nice cut. “Got it.”

 

“Put it on.”

 

He stared at it warily and shrugged it on less than a second later. His desire to please Steve would definitely get him into trouble someday, that was for sure. It felt good on him, and when he walked over to the mirror he saw that it looked even better. It worked with his outfit; acid washed jeans and a plain black tee.

 

Stevie walked out from behind the screen and stopped right beside Bucky. Her bangs were hanging down low enough to almost cover her and the rest of her hair was covered by a black beanie, she was wearing a white tee shirt with a red star and blue star on both sleeves, which was tucked into the high waist of her skin tight black pants. They made a striking pair, two sides of the same coin.

 

Stevie grinned and looked up at him, “ready?” she asked.

 

Bucky grabbed her hand in his and squeezed it. “Ready.”

 

*****

 

The ball was in Queens, which meant that it would take about an hour both ways, but it didn't really matter. They found two seats in the front car and sat closer than necessary, leaning into each other to block everything else out.

 

It was almost ten when they got off of the subway and left the station. There were more people on the streets than either of them expected, and they all stared, but neither of them broke a sweat because no one was making a scene. That was, until they passed a group of men outside of a bar.

 

Bucky could feel the air shift and instinctively walked closer to Stevie and sped up a fraction. “Givin’ me the fuckin’ creeps,” Bucky muttered and Stevie nodded.

 

“Best not to make somethin’ outta nothin’.”

 

“Coupla _faggots_ over here,” one of the men said and took a step toward them.

 

“Don't stop walking, Bucky,” Steve ordered. “No matter what.”

 

“Hope I don't get that queer cancer from ‘em!”

 

Bucky was shaking viciously, from rage instead of fear. No one could speak to them that way, no one had the _right_ to. He wanted to turn back and tear into him for being a bigot and a homophobe, but he couldn't. Stevie didn't want him to and it would cause more trouble than it was worth.

 

Once they got a good distance away from the men and made sure that they weren't followed, they stopped by a bench  to take a breath. “Are you okay, Buck?” Stevie asked and guided Bucky to sit down.

 

“Yeah, are you?”

 

“Yeah. It's not the first time I've dealt with that kinda crap and it won't be the last, but it's also not the worst experience I've had.”

 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed, “really?”

 

“Gay bashing isn't always just verbal. I've been assaulted and I know people who’ve had a lot of -” Stevie’s voice broke and gulped. “The world is a shitty place more often than not.”

 

“No one should have to go through with that. It's bullshit and has to stop!”

 

“Rome wasn't built in a day,” her voice was subdued and suddenly very tired. “It happens and yeah it sucks, but you can cry about it and let everything get to you or you can keep living your life.”

 

Bucky stood up and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly but carefully to avoid ruining any part of her look. “You don't need protecting,” he whispered, “but I still wanna look out for you.”

 

“You've got a good heart.”

 

“It's yours if you want it,” he said as quietly as possible. Stevie’s arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“Finder's keepers,” she choked out, a small chuckle following it.

 

After that it only took a few more minutes to get to the club. They were given entry and went straight to the stage. Mother Andrea was standing there with a man Bucky didn't know and when she looked over at them, something in her eyes changed. She looked at Bucky with more scrutiny than anyone ever had. He forced himself to stand tall and not shrink away like he wanted to. She seemed to approve of that and walked over to them, the man she'd been talking with in tow.

 

“Stevie, baby, I wasn't sure that you'd be coming!” she said, exclaimed. “It's very good to see you, especially after so long.”

 

Stevie looked down. “M’sorry Andrea, I didn't mean to stay away for so long.”

 

“That wasn't a read, baby. I really have missed you - we all have.”

 

Stevie smiled. “How's Viv? Is she still walkin’ tonight?” her voice betrayed both the hope and the worry behind the question. Mother Andrea’s lips quivered for a millisecond, quick enough that only Bucky caught it.

 

“I've been rude - I'm Andrea,” Mother Andrea introduced herself to Bucky. “And you must be Bucky.”

 

“Stevie’s mentioned me?” he asked and made Stevie scowl at him.

 

Andrea chuckled. “Maybe once. I saw you on Stevie’s audition night last year and a few times after that, but never managed to get the chance to speak to you. Stevie thinks very highly of you, and she's a very good judge of character.”

 

“She’s special,” Bucky’s was all sugar and fluff, full of the bliss he felt whenever he and Steve - or Stevie, that case - were together. “We're newlyweds.”

 

The shocked expression on Mother Andrea’s face was priceless, as was the startled yelp that came from Stevie. The punch in the arm he got along with it though, he could've done without.

 

“He's a fuckin’ liar, Andrea,” Stevie growled in Bucky’s direction. “Like I'd marry him!”

 

Andrea only smiled. “I'm glad that you aren't married because as the matriarch of this family, I need to be asked before you propose,” she told Bucky matter-of-factly. “I’d like to give my youngest away.”

 

“That's reasonable.”

 

“Do I get a say in this?” Stevie huffed, glaring at both of them.  

 

“Just say yes,” Bucky offered and got another punch.

 

The main event started after everyone sat down, that time at tables that lined the floor. Steve and Bucky sat with Jessi and a few other Maximas, the two of them crowding in close yet again. They held hands under the table and watched as the show began. The categories were FQ Body, BQ Body, Runway Effect, and Bizarre.

 

FQ Body was a competition between full figured women and “model sized” women, just as BQ Body was between muscular men and “model” men who weren’t as muscular. Runway Effect was to showcase how well the contestant could wear the garment and to see their walk. Bizarre was the most open category of all - besides OTA categories - because it allowed anything and everything; the contestant could be dressed as an alien, or someone from the past, or something futuristic. There were no limits on what could be shown.

 

While Bucky was watching and enjoying it, Stevie was looking closely at the crowd and around the room. Bucky was getting the feeling that something was wrong but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. By the time the third category rolled around, Steve’s knees were bouncing up and down from nerves.

 

“What’s wrong?” Bucky whispered.

 

Stevie shook her head, “Viv’s supposed to be walking tonight but I haven’t seen her.”

 

“Viv?”

 

“My sister,” Stevie explained. “She’s the one who was sick, but she’s been better lately. Because I haven’t been around much I’ve been talking to her on the phone every night - she told me she was gonna be here.”

 

“She’s probably in the back gettin’ ready or something.”

 

“She should’ve been out here already,” she said faintly. She raised her hand to her mouth to bite her nails but stopped herself short. “I’m probably just worryin’ too much.”

 

“Yeah, just relax and have some fun. You’re probably gonna win a prize!” he tried to sound positive and knew it was pointless. Stevie was worried and nothing could change that.

 

The rest of the show was just as spectacular as every show was, yet there was something off. It could’ve been Stevie’s worry rubbing off on him, but Bucky was starting to get a little nervous as well. He found himself looking for Viv as well, though he had never met her and didn’t know what she looked like.

 

At the end of the show, Mother Andrea came out wearing a completely new outfit, a subdued one at that. It was a dark blue dress that was nearly black, and her hair was wrapped in a scarf of the same colour. There was sadness in her eyes and there were lines by her eyes that Bucky had never noticed in the multiple times he had seen her.

 

“This ball has been held by the House of Andre, so I’d like to thank their father Eric for allowing me to speak tonight. Thank you, Eric,” she said and offered a miniscule smile to the Eric, who was standing by her side.

 

Bucky recognized him as the man she’d been speaking to when they came to her before the show.

 

“Tonight’s show was absolutely fantastic, congratulations to everyone who competed for putting on such a thing tonight,” she took a breath. “This show has been dedicated to my beloved daughter Viv; she put up a valiant fight against the disease that ultimately claimed her life.”

 

“No,” Stevie whispered. “No, no, no. She was better. I talked to her - she was getting better.”

 

“She passed away unexpectedly last night,” Mother Andrea started to choke on her words a little. “She was strong and brave, unyielding even though we all knew - the funeral will be held next week, whoever wants to come is welcome. If you choose not to come, know that Viv wouldn’t be angry with you.”

 

Stevie shook her head fast, tears streaming down her face. Bucky turned to look at her but found that he had no words to say. He couldn’t make anything better no matter what he said.

 

“She was supposed to walk tonight,” Stevie gasped. “I - she,” she shoved her hair back, the sound of the legs on the floor echoing through the room.

 

Mother Andrea looked at her and smiled sadly. “It’s okay, baby. She was relaxed and not in pain, I promise.”

 

“You fucking lied! She fucking lied - I thought we were a family, but you both said she was getting better when she wasn’t!”

 

“Stevie, let’s talk about this in private,” Mother Andrea attempted to calm her down using a gentle voice, but it had no effect.

 

“It really was A.I.D.S, wasn’t it?” she asked, but it wasn’t really a question.

 

Everyone turned to look at Stevie and the air in the room was virtually sucked out. No one wanted to her that word, because it brought the reality of it into the light. If they acknowledged it, then it would be a real thing that was happening.

 

Mother Andrea’s lack of a response was confirmation.

 

Stevie shook her head and turned on her heel, walking out of the room. Bucky followed after her as fast as he could and caught up to her on her way into the alley beside the club. She braced her hands on the side of the building, heaved, and threw up. She sobbed hard enough to break his heart and the heart of anyone who heard.

 

“I’m sorry, Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “I know that it doesn’t help anything, but I still am. They shouldn’t’ve done that to you.”

 

“M’being selfish,” Stevie groaned. “Viv’s gone and Andrea’s gotta bury her. I shouldn’t be makin’ it all about myself.”

 

“You have every right to be upset, she was your sister.”

 

“I wasn’t there for her when she died and I should’ve been. I let her down,” she sobbed. “How didn’t I notice that she sounded bad?”

 

“You thought she was getting better so you weren’t looking for signs that it was worse.”

 

Stevie was quiet for a while, her head leaning against the brick wall. Bucky listened to her breathing and made sure that she wasn't having a panic attack - he had more than enough experience in that realm - and simply waited. Trying to shove reason in the face of someone in mourning was cruel and pointless; nothing could stop the hurt or bring back their lost loved one.

 

“We need to get outta here,” Stevie finally said. She sounded like herself again, despite the tremor running through her body. “Let’s go home.”

 

Bucky ran back inside to grab her a bottle of water so that she could rinse out her mouth. Once she did, they left for the subway station. Thankfully no one tried to give them any problems - Bucky wasn’t sure either of them could have restrained themselves if something arose. It was a bad night and although neither of them truly wanted it a fight, it would have felt good to get out some of the pain inside of them. Sure, Bucky hadn’t known Viv, but it was still a shock.

 

They chose seats in the last car, sitting at the back, far away from the only other person in it. Buck sat in the aisle seat and Stevie sat by the window with her back facing it, curled up against him. Her head was pillowed on Bucky’s shoulder and she was wrapped in the leather jacket Bucky was wearing, but was still shivering.

 

“I know that they weren’t trying to hurt me but it feels like I can’t trust them,” she said with a heavy sigh. “They should’ve told me so that I could’ve been prepared for Andrea talking about it.”

 

“You’re right, they should’ve,” Bucky agreed. He was exhausted from everything that had happened and couldn’t even imagine how badly Stevie was feeling. All he wanted to do was curl up in bed with her and not come out until everything was better.

 

“You’re the only one I have,” her voice lowered, clearly afraid to be admitting the truth. “I know I can trust you to have my back and never lie to me. You really care about me, don’t you?”

 

“Yes,” there was no hesitation there. He cared about Steve and Stevie deeply, he _loved_ both of them as separate people and together. “I’m always gonna be here for you.”

 

“I trust you, Buck, and I want you to trust me too. I feel - I feel a lot about you. That’s a stupid way of saying it but I just… you make me feel so many things that I can’t really explain. All of them are good, though,” Stevie was rambling and it was adorable.

 

Bucky smiled to himself and turned his head, kissing her forehead. He didn’t trust his voice so he kept being quiet and they slipped into a comfortable silence.

 

The walk back to Stevie’s apartment was silent as well, but neither of them minded. They held hands the entire way and Stevie occasionally swayed, so Bucky ended up wrapping his arm around her waist. When they got to the front steps of the building, Stevie took off her beanie and rubbed it across her face. It was going to be a pain to get the makeup out of the fabric but she didn’t seem to mind.

 

She took the beanie away from her face and revealed her smeared makeup, suddenly Steve again. His face was a mess, black eyeshadow rubbed across his face and lipstick looking just the same minus the colour, but he was still perfect. His eyes were glassy and the smile he had on his face was weakened, the corners of his mouth were trembling.

 

“I’m a fucking mess right now and you saw me throw up which wasn’t attractive in the slightest, but I need consent before I do anything. Can I kiss you?” Steve’s nervousness completely endearing.

 

“Yeah, please do,” he breathed.

 

Once the words left his mouth, Steve stood a little higher and grabbed onto Bucky’s shoulders with both hands, gently guiding him down.

 

Steve kissed him, and every breath after that was shared. _Everything_ was shared; it was a soft and tender kiss, but it lit up every part of him. He had never kissed a man and hadn’t kissed anyone in a very long time, not since he met Steve. There wasn’t a moment since they met that he wanted anyone else. That kiss was so simple and easy, it felt completely right.

 

He loved Steve, he knew he would never love anyone else.

 

“Come upstairs,” Steve said against his lips. “We don’t have to -  please stay with me tonight.”

 

“Let’s go inside.”

 

The only thing that salvaged that night for Bucky was being able to sleep next to Steve.

 

*****

 

Viv’s funeral marked the start of a downward spiral; A.I.D.S was closer than it ever had been for the Maximas and their little community as a whole. Everyone was on constant edge and no one wanted to tip the scales, not even in the positive direction. In the wake of tragedy, people tend to band together to help each other get through the tough times - but not always. The heads of all of the Houses in the area continued to persevere and pushed on as the world around them turned its back.

 

Steve and Bucky ended up going to Viv’s funeral together to pay their respects. Steve brought a bouquet of flowers bound together with a string of beads that came from Steve’s favourite flapper dress. They left after placing the flowers on her casket and saying their goodbyes, then went back to Bucky’s place and curled up under thick blankets to block out the world.

 

GMHC - Gay Men’s Health Crisis, was founded that same year; it was an organization that tried to inform the New York gay community with accurate information on A.I.D.S. Their main means of spreading information was handing out pamphlets on safe sex and how to keep oneself protected, but they were highly criticized and disregarded by everyone outside of the gay community.

 

The government was no help to anyone; they refused funding for any type of A.I.D.S. organization and passed bills prohibiting people who were suspected to have or had the disease to enter the country. The medical community was oblivious to even the basics of homosexuality, so they had no idea how A.I.D.S. was transmitted and were convinced that only homosexual men could carry it.

 

It wasn’t long before the community, once seemingly united, fell apart under the pressure of their struggle.

 

*****

 

Bucky was working dinner service when he heard one of the other line cooks say “They're sayin’ it's God’s doin’.” His hands froze for a second and he pushed himself to keep going. He couldn't show an outward response, it was too risky.

 

It was 1983, and Bucky was more scared of being himself than he ever had been.

 

“Hush up,” another cook hissed in response. “You know we can't talk about that at work.”

 

The first cook wasn't dissuaded, “God’s gettin’ back at the queers for sinnin’.”

 

“That's pure bull.”

 

“Where else could it be comin’ from? Doctors don't know anythin’ about it and the government don't care. God’s the only one left,” the cook sighed. “And he ain't pullin’ any punches.”

 

“You can't really buy that.”

 

“I think that blond server’s a fruit.”

 

“Are you gonna talk shit about Steve? He's a nice guy and i won't hear any of it.”

 

 _Yes,_ Bucky thought, _stick up for him. He deserves at least that much._

 

“What if he has it? Do ya think he should be servin’ food? He could infect the customers!”

 

Bucky turned sharply, dropping the piping bag he'd been using. Darlene was storming over before he could make any move toward the cook who'd been talking.

 

“This is not a place that is tolerant of ignorance, Brock. I won't have any of that in my restaurant; you're fired,” she practically spat at him.

 

“You can't just fire me,” Brock protested.

 

“You can take it up with human resources if you'd like, but human resources is my right hook.”

 

Brock was an idiot but knew better than to pick a fight with her, so he shook his head and stalked toward the door instead.

 

“I want your uniform dry cleaned and sent back by Monday!” she yelled as the kitchen door swung shut. The entire staff stared at her in shock so she fixed her chef’s hat, squared her shoulders, and walked back to her station. “What’re ya’ll waiting for? We've still got work to do.”

 

Bucky had a knot in his stomach from being so tense and anxious, and he couldn't focus very well. Unsurprisingly, every time Steve came in to collect a plate, the knot eased a little bit. Steve steadied him and kept him going without having to do anything other than be in his line of sight. He was Bucky’s anchor and kept him rooted to the ground in the middle of the tornado in his head.

 

The restaurant slowly cleared through the course of the service, and it soon came time for their family dinner. When Bucky came out of the kitchen he found Steve and Sam already seated, talking animatedly without a pause. He was grinning and walking over before he realized it.

 

“I think _Mylene Cruz and The Soul Madonnas_ are amazing, but have you heard _The Bee Gees? Stayin’ Alive_ is a fuckin’ classic!” Sam said and Steve nodded.

 

“I totally agree, they've released gold with every album and it's pretty rare to have a ‘family band’ that talented.”

 

“Then there's _Blondie_ , I mean Debbie Harry is a goddess,” Sam said, holding his hand to his heart. “Well, you might not agree. I mean there are guys in _Blondie_ though.”

 

Steve snorted. “I’m gay but I can recognize an attractive woman, dumbass.”

 

Bucky stopped dead and stared at them. He was surprised with how easily they were speaking about Steve's sexuality and by the fact that Steve had even said anything. He’d been working there for almost a year which meant that everyone knew him somewhat, but Bucky didn’t think that he’d come out to anyone, let alone Sam.

 

Sam joked about it, but not in a mean way at all. He seemed completely comfortable with Steve, almost like they’d been friends forever.

 

“James Buchanan Barnes, you’re standing there leering at us and it’s creepy,” Sam said, his eyes narrowed.

 

Steve turned to look at him and smiled sweetly. “Hey Buck,” he said and patted the chair beside him. “Come ‘ere.”

 

“At least you’re nice to me, Steve. Sam is just a dick,” Bucky said and sat down, unconsciously moved the chair over closer to Steve. “You’d think that he’d be nicer to me, I could poison anything he’s gonna eat and he wouldn’t know until it’s too late.”

 

“Like Ma would _ever_ let you kill her favourite child.”

 

“I’m her favourite child.”

 

“Boys, there’s no need to do this,” Steve said gently. “We all know Darlene likes me the best.”

 

Sam gaped at him. “You can’t do this to me, Steve! You’re gonna end up being just as bad as Bucky!”

 

“I think Bucky’s great,” Steve touched Bucky’s leg under the table and made him blush.

 

“He’s only showin’ you the good side of him. I’ve been around this kid for over a decade and I know how awful he really is,” Sam replied. He leaned forward and smirked. “I can tell you all about him as a child.”

 

Steve’s eyes lit up and he gasped, “For real?”

 

“Oh absolutely, I can tell you _everything._ ”

 

“Shut up, Samuel,” Bucky grunted. “You’ve got nothin’ on me ‘cause I was a perfect angel as a child and teen.”

 

“He was obsessed with _The Jackson 5,_ like completely obsessed. He knew the lyrics to all their songs and wanted to dance just like them. He’s got two left feet so he couldn’t do shit,” Sam said and shot Bucky an evil look. “He also had this obsession with board games, him and his sister Becca loved them.”

 

“I know,” Steve said, the corner of his mouth quirked up. “I beat his ass in _Life_ and _Perfection._ ” he boasted.

 

Sam stared at him in shock. “He let you play those?” he asked with wide eyes.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Bucky knew what Sam was thinking; those games were special to him, probably the most special of any that he’d managed to take when he and Becca left his father’s house. There was no real reason for his connection to them, but they were very near to his heart. He’d only ever let Sam, Becca, and Darlene play them with him; none of his exes even knew they existed.

 

“Hey, Steve,” Darlene called. “Can ya come help me serve some of this?”

 

“Sure thing!” he answered and stood up. He looked at the two of them with a confused expression and walked away.

 

Sam put both hands on the table and looked down. “I won’t ask you to directly say anything because I know it’ll be hard for you if what I’m thinkin’ is right. Buck, are you -?”

 

Bucky nodded quickly and gripped his own thighs under the table. “Please don’t be mad at me. I know, I know I didn’t tell you and I should’ve but I… _Sam._ ”

 

“You and Steve?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Sam looked up at him and his eyes were wet with unshed tears. “You’re my brother, Bucky. I’ve got your back completely no matter what. I want you to be happy and Steve is fucking awesome, you two are good together.”

 

“The shit that’s goin’ on - you’re not scared that I have somethin’?” he asked timidly.

 

Sam shook his head.

 

“Absolutely not. I heard what was goin’ on in the kitchen and Brock is a fuckin’ idiot. Not every gay man has it, there’s just no way that it’s a disease circulated around the gay community. It doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Sam… I love him,” he whispered. It was the first time he’d said it out loud and it was a relief but still sort of terrifying. “I’m scared of it, I’m terrified that I’m gonna lose him.”

 

“But he’s not sick,” Sam sounded absolutely positive on that.

 

“No, but I’m still scared. Everything’s a mess and I just - _I_ _love him._ ”

 

“It’ll be okay,” he said and smiled at him. “Knowing you, you'll marry him in Vegas and have super children.”

 

Bucky smiled. “I wish.”

 

“I can't say I'm not a little jealous though - you promised yourself to me many moons ago,” he sighed. “I'm gonna die an old maid at this rate.”

 

“When was the last time you went on a date?” Bucky asked.

 

“I've been on a hiatus from the dating game because of how Roxie, the love of my life, was taken from me so cruelly,” Sam replied. “I'm still heartbroken.”

 

“You met her once and she already had a girlfriend.”

 

“I loved her, man!” he shouted and hung his head. “God, my heart is in pieces just thinking about my lady love being swept away.”

 

“I'm so sorry for being insensitive,” Buck replied, barely keeping his laughter in.

 

*****

 

After dinner, Steve and Bucky walked back to Bucky’s house. It was then that Bucky figured he should tell Steve about coming out to Sam.

 

“ _Perfection_ and _Life_ are really special to me,” he started.

 

Steve looked over to him. “I figured, Sam got this weird look on his face when I mentioned them.”

 

“I don't let many people play them. It's stupid as fuck but only Becca, Sam, and Darlene have played them with me; they're really special games and I don't… I don't wanna risk them getting ruined. I guess I brought them out for us to play because I trust you and I wanna keep you in my life.”

 

Bucky started to bite his lower lip nervously.

 

“So when he heard that you played them with me, he figured out that there was something going on between us.”

 

“Buck, did you _come out to Sam?_ ”

 

“Yeah,” he replied meekly.

 

“How the fuck did I find you?” Steve asked. His voice was full of genuine wonder and it made Bucky’s knees tremble. “You're so sweet, and caring, and dorky. You came out to your best friend, your _brother_ , because you let me play board games with you. Are you even real?”

 

Bucky stopped walking and turned to hug Steve right there on the street. He was trying to take Steve’s advice and keep on living instead of getting caught up in what anyone else thought. “I followed you like a stalker and here we are,” he said wistfully. “It's pretty magical.”

 

“You're a jackass,” Steve’s voice was almost completely muffled by Bucky’ jacket, but he could still hear the warmth in it.

 

“I wanna be alone with you, Steve. Just the two of us and nothing else,” he murmured, holding Steve tighter.

 

Steve looked up at him with lidded eyes and red cheeks, and whispered “So let's go.”

 

It took them a little longer to get up to Bucky’s apartment because they kept playfully tugging each other backwards; they were both giddy from what Bucky had admitted and the happiness it brought. They took even longer getting changed out of their uniforms and into more comfortable clothes because it was hard to stay apart for too long. Something had changed and they were desperate for each other, needing constant reassurance.

 

Bucky turned on the radio and kept the volume lowered, then got into bed next to Steve. A _Lionel Richie_ song was playing, _Stuck on you_ , and it made them both feel calmer. It was a beautiful song, and it made so much sense when he was lying next to Steve.

 

_Stuck on you, I've got this feeling deep down in my soul that I just can't lose. Guess I'm on my way._

 

Bucky leaned forward and kissed Steve, their eyes closing at the same time. Their lips moved together slowly, fitting perfectly without pause. Steve reached up to grab Bucky’s shoulder and pulled him in closer, not close enough. Nothing would ever be close enough.

 

_Needed a friend and the way I feel now guess I'll be with you ‘til the end. Yes I'm on my way, mighty glad you stayed._

 

Bucky hesitated but ended up slipping his hand under Steve’s shirt, high enough to rest over his heart. The steady thumping of it made him feel more secure; it wasn't a dream, Steve was real and right there with him. He wouldn't leave.

 

_I'm stuck on you, been a fool too long I guess it's time for me to come on home._

_Guess I'm on my way._

 

Steve sat up just enough to take off his shirt and whispered, “Touch me, Bucky.”

 

He was free falling; adrenaline spiked through him but it was the slow sort. He couldn't bear to rush it, he wanted that moment to last. His hands found Steve’s chest again and he explored it, finding every dip and tracing the few scars he'd never noticed.

 

“Steve,” he whispered frantically. “Steve.”

 

_So hard to see that a woman like you could wait around for a man like me. Guess I'm on my way, mighty glad you stayed._

 

Steve was kissing his jaw, his neck, his chest. He gasped and arched toward him, needing him more than air.

 

_Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow and I know just where I'm going. I've packed up my troubles and I've thrown them all away 'cause this time little darling,_

_I'm coming home to stay._

 

He was crying out, he was soaring, he was _alive_ and Steve was right there with him. Every part of them that touched was alight with pleasure, and it couldn't be stopped.

 

_I'm stuck on you. I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose. Guess I'm on my way. Needed a friend and the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end._

 

“Bucky,” Steve breathed, repeating it over and over again.

 

_Guess I'm on my way, I'm mighty glad you stayed._

 

*****

 

There were funerals almost every day, in some places daily, and most of them were nearly empty. Everyone was terrified of what was happening so they were torn on if they should go or not, and almost always chose not to. It wasn't hard to see why and no one could really be angry with them, not when they saw how badly A.I.D.S. had ravaged the community and the world.

 

Hemophiliacs were hit hard as well; many were infected with A.I.D.S. when they were given blood transfusions because some of the donated blood contained it, and thousands died. Soon blood banks could refuse to give transfusions to anyone they suspected to have A.I.D.S. and it served as a death sentence in itself.

 

Many gay men were forcibly outed and even heterosexual men who were sick were “outed” and ostracized. It was a time of ferocious homophobia and hysteria, and the only good that came from it was that it made way for an attempt at change.

 

*****

 

Steve was sitting by the window with his knees to his chest, a distant look on his face. He was lost in thought and closed off from everything, especially Bucky. They fought an hour before and it was still fresh, so they were trying to steer clear of each other and it was terrible. Bucky hated the distance more than anything and wanted to fix it but it was difficult to do because he was the one who instigated the fight.

 

There were protests and rallies that were demanding better research for A.I.D.S. and more support from the medical community as well as the government. People were being arrested left, right, and centre simply for using their rights to send a message. Protests quickly turned to riots more often than not because of people’s contrasting opinions, so it was an extremely dangerous to be part of them.

 

Steve wanted to go and Bucky thought it was a bad idea, so he voiced it, and they got into a fight because of it. Sadly, it wasn’t the first time that they’d fought about that issue.

 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Bucky said after a time. “I don’t want you to get arrested either.”

 

“I’m not as weak as I look,” Steve’s voice was emotionless but only because of how tightly packed all of his emotions were. “You think I can’t take care of myself but I can. I did long before I met you.”

 

Bucky rubbed his eyes and tried to keep himself calm. “I don’t think you’re weak at all, and I know you had a life before you met me, m’not saying you need me to survive. I just - I can’t fucking lose you, Steve. If you go to jail or get hurt or -” his voice broke and he struggled to remain in control.

 

“This is something that needs to be fought for. Everyone’s blamin’ our community and people are dying - more people are gonna die, Buck, and I can’t just let that happen without trying to do my part.”

 

Steve turned to look at him, but Bucky couldn’t meet his eyes.

 

“Bucky, look at me.”

 

“I fucking can’t,” he croaked.

 

“You know I need you, I do. You’re the only one for me and that will never change,” Steve assured him.

 

“You’re part of my life and without you - it scares me to think of that.”

 

“We can’t sit here and be scared,” Steve walked over to him and grabbed his hands. “I don’t wanna lose you either, Bucky, but this is reality. I have to do this.”

 

It was important to Steve, and although Bucky was absolutely terrified of what could happen, he knew he had to support him. They needed each other and without mutual support they would crumble quickly. Letting that happen wasn’t an option, if it ever was one, now it wasn’t anymore.

 

“There’s a protest at Times Square in two days,” Steve told him. “Roxie, Jessi, and a buncha people we know are goin’. I know you’ve gotta talk to Becca, so I don’t want you to come.”

 

“Steve,”

 

“No. You can’t put off talking to your sister because of my choices.”

 

He and Becca hadn’t been talking that often over the past year; she was busy with school and working on becoming a resident at one of the hospitals in L.A. which left her with very little free time. Oddly enough, it wasn’t that big of a deal to him anymore. It was mainly because she always managed to sneak in something about A.I.D.S. and how fascinating it was to her, she still treated it as more of a science experiment than a crisis, and it bothered him.

 

Steve kissed him on the forehead and said “I’m gonna go with them, and we’ll take every precaution we can. It’ll be safe, I won’t do anything to get myself or them hurt.”

 

“Can you promise me something?” his voice made his question sound more like a plea.

 

“Of course.”

 

“If anything goes bad, find a phone and _call me._ I’ll come find you as soon as I can,” he looked Steve in the eyes, trying his best to convey how serious he was. He needed Steve to promise him and mean it because it was the only comfort he could think of.

 

“I promise, okay, baby?” Steve kissed him once and it made the tension in his muscles released. “I’ll be safe.”

 

“You never call me baby,” he mumbled and ducked his head. There was a small smile on his face because he really did like the pet name. “S’cute.”

 

“You’re cute,” Steve replied and kissed him again.

 

*****

 

The day of the protest came in the blink of an eye. Everyone was set to meet around noon, so Steve was getting ready to go by the time Bucky woke up. Bucky was lying in bed watching him get dressed; he was memorizing every inch of him and fighting to keep himself from trying to convince him to stay. The decision had been made and neither of them could go back on it.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” he said right before he yawned.

 

Steve chuckled and replied “You just woke up, you’ve got gunk in your eyes.”

 

“Nope, 20/20 over here,” he teased. “I just can’t believe how gorgeous you are. You’re a figment of my imagination, aren’t you?”

 

“That explains why I’m always so eager to sleep with you.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re an asshole.”

 

“I thought I was beautiful and gorgeous?”

 

“Assholes can be beautiful and gorgeous.”

 

Steve had a grin on his face when he looked at Bucky from over his shoulder. “Well you’d know by now.”

 

Bucky’s cheeks burned and he scowled at him. “Your mind is always in the gutter, Rogers.”

 

“Ain’t that the truth,” he said as he walked back over to the bed. “You’re my whole world, Bucky Barnes.”

 

His stomach hurt and all of a sudden he wanted to cry. He loved Steve so much and Steve was throwing himself into danger so easily. Why couldn’t he just stay there and be safe in their little cocoon? It would’ve been so much better if they could hide from everything that was going on and continue to live good lives, but the world wouldn’t allow that.

 

“Kiss me,” Bucky sounded surprisingly normal. It took a lot of effort to hide his true feelings from Steve, but he managed it.

 

“If you’re gonna twist my arm…” Steve’s voice trailed off as he leaned down to kiss him. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and tried to pull him down.

 

Steve sighed and pulled away. “Bucky.”

 

“I didn’t mean to,” Bucky replied earnestly. “Really.”

 

“I know you didn’t, baby,” he brushed his nose against Bucky’s. “Try to have fun talking to Becca, okay?”

 

“I’ll try,” Bucky stood up and hugged Steve as tightly as he could without hurting him. “Be safe.”

 

“I will,” he said and they walked out of the bedroom to the front door. Bucky’s palms were sweating horribly and Steve, being the amazing boyfriend he was, only held on tighter. “I’ll be home soon.”

 

 _Home._ Bucky’s apartment had become their home and he didn’t notice until then. Between the two of them, Steve was always the one who was on top of things.

 

“I won’t do anything stupid until you get back,” Bucky promised playfully.

 

“How could you? I’m takin’ all the stupid with me.”

 

Instead of panicking after Steve left, Bucky decided to be somewhat productive. The apartment was a little worse for the wear so he started cleaning. Their clothes were spilling out of the closet and dresser, even the laundry bag was full. He’d have to go to the laundromat sometime that day just to get it out of the way, preferably after Steve got home.

 

He found a rhythm and managed to get a lot done before he remembered that he had to call Becca.

 

Picking up the phone and calling her was becoming increasingly difficult for him. Whenever she started on her A.I.D.S. tangent he wanted to tell her the truth; that he was gay and in a relationship with a man, a man who'd lost someone to the disease. He didn't, simply because he knew she wouldn't take it well. She'd lose her mind without a doubt because although she was on her way to becoming a doctor, she still thought that A.I.D.S. was a homosexual based disease.

 

Becca answered the phone with a shout, “Bucky!”

 

“Hey, Becca.”

 

“I have news,” she said excitedly.

 

Bucky smiled at how excited she sounded. “Alright, tell me.”

 

“You know that residency position I've been goin’ for? Well, I got it.”

 

“That's amazing!” he all but yelled. It really was; getting a residency position that early on was a very big deal. “I'm proud of you, Becca.”

 

“Thanks,” she said shyly. “I'm really excited about it, I can start actually helping people now.”

 

“You're gonna do great. All you've gotta do is work on your bedside manner.”

 

“Shut up,” she replied. “I'm welcoming and wonderful as well as helpful and sweet.”

 

“Pretty fuckin’ humble, too.”

 

“Anyway,” Becca started. “I was wondering how you feel about coming to visit?”

 

Bucky’s face dropped and he started picking at one of the small tears in his sweats. “For real?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I… you know I have work.”

 

“I'm sure Darlene will understand. We haven't seen each other face to face in _years,_ ” she pointed out.

 

He hadn't really thought about it before; it really have been years and it didn't really feel like it. The years had passed by so quickly that it didn't feel like much longer than a few months, which didn't make any sense.

 

“If you don't wanna come you don't have to.”

 

He sighed. “I do. I just,” he broke off. _I just can't leave Steve._

 

It was time to tell her and he knew it, but that didn't make it any easier.

 

“I'm seeing someone,” he said in a quiet voice. “Someone I love.”

 

“Jesus Christ!” she gasped. “You seriously didn't think to tell me that before now?”

 

“It slipped my mind.”

 

“That's a straight up lie. How long have you been seeing each other?”

 

“Almost two years,” he admitted. “I wanted to tell you.”

 

“Why didn't you?”

 

He swallowed a few times and took a deep breath. “His name is Steve.”

 

She didn't say a word and his heart started racing.

 

“I'm gay, Becca.”

 

“But, but you've had _girlfriends_ ,” she stammered. “You wanted to get married and have a family and have kids. You wanted to give what we didn't get from dad.”

 

Bucky flinched. “I still want those things.”

 

“You can't have them with a _man!_ It's - God, Bucky, it's disgusting!”

 

He barely even noticed when the first tear ran down his cheek, he didn't notice when they fell faster either.

 

“Dad was wrong about everything, except for what he told us about homosexuals.”

 

“Don't you dare say that,” he growled, voice carefully low. “He was a bigoted fuck and didn't know his head from his ass.”

 

“Being with another man is, is immoral! It's - can't you see what's going on right now? _They're_ being _punished_ for choosing this path.”

 

He couldn't believe the things she was saying; he'd never known that she felt that way. She was curious about A.I.D.S. and wanted to know more because she was studying to be a doctor, but that suddenly wasn't the case.

 

“Do you think these people deserve it?” he asked, disbelief running through his words.

 

“This guy you're with, he could have A.I.D.S., he probably does. New York is getting hit bad and who knows where he's been.”

 

“Don't fucking talk about him like that. You don't know anything, you're a clueless child.”

 

“I'm clueless?” she scoffed. “Look at your choices and see which one of us is really the clueless one.”

 

“You're just like him, like _dad._ I thought we were better than that,” his own voice was starting to sound distant to him. “But he got into your head.”

 

“I'm not him,” she hissed. “I'm just looking out for what's right.”

 

“It's right that people are dying because of a disease that nearly no one is trying to help treat? It's right that everyone is living in fear of either getting it or being accused of having it and being shunned?”

 

“Your _boyfriend_ ,” she sneered, “is corrupting you. He's disgusting and he's making you just the same as he is.”

 

“Go to hell.”

 

“Your little faggot is gonna make it there long before me.”

 

Bucky hung up and sat on the couch, completely frozen from disbelief. He couldn't understand how that conversation had gone so wrong, or how Becca could actually believe the things she’d said. That woman on the phone was a complete stranger to him.

 

Half an hour later, the phone rang again. Bucky was terrified to answer the call but did regardless.

 

“Hello?” he said, his voice empty and numb.

 

“Bucky,” Steve gasped. “Bucky it's bad down here.”

 

He was on his feet and running to the bedroom in seconds. “What's going on?” There were sirens and people shouting in the background, a terrifying thing to hear when he wasn't anywhere near Steve.

 

“Bible thumpers showed up and some other assholes,” Steve answered. “It was - they started a fight and it turned ugly real fast.”

 

“Are you safe?”

 

“I think some people are dead. They were lyin’ on the ground bleedin’ and I don't - I couldn't check on them,” Steve’s teeth were chattering loudly. “Andrea was here and I don't know where she went.”

 

“Steve, baby, listen to me. _Are you safe?_ ” he asked again.

 

“I'm at Bellevue,” he gulped. “Roxie got hurt and Jessi’s scraped up.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“I'm, I'm good. I'm fine,” he didn't sound fine in the slightest. “I love you, Bucky, I love you so much.”

 

“I'm coming to you, Steve. Just stay where you are and I'll find you,” Bucky said, choking back a sob. It was the first time that Steve had told that and it wouldn't be the last. Bucky wouldn't let it be the last.

 

“S’gonna be a nightmare gettin’ here.”

 

“I'm coming, Stevie. Just wait for me, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Steve whispered. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” Bucky said. “I'll be there soon, just wait for me.”

 

*****

 

Sam was the best person in the world, which was proven that day. Bucky called him and told him everything that was going on, as well as asked him to borrow his car. “You don't even have a license,” Sam had said. “I’ll be there in five.” He showed up outside of Bucky’s building in less than five minutes.

 

He broke the speed limit multiple times and drove like a stunt driver, which got them into the city in twenty minutes. There was too much traffic near Bellevue, so Sam told Bucky to get out and run the rest of the way and he'd meet him there. Adrenaline pushed Bucky to run faster than he ever had and he got to Bellevue in ten minutes.

 

It'd been half an hour and Bucky had to believe that Steve was waiting for him like he said he would.

 

Bucky found the emergency wing and walked into the waiting room with anxiety swirling inside his entire body. Steve was sitting in the corner of the room, his blond hair like a beacon of light on such a dark day.

 

“Steve,” Bucky said and ran over to him. Steve stood up and looked at Bucky with tear filled eyes. “C’mere, baby, come on.”

 

Steve fell against his chest and wrapped his arms around him, holding the back of his shirt like a lifeline. “I love you,” he sobbed. “I was scared that I’d, I didn't know if I'd ever see you again.”

 

“I'm here now and I love you, too. I've got you,” Bucky crooned and rubbed Steve’s back. “It's gonna be okay.”

 

“Roxie and Jessi are in the back. I know where they are, we can go see ‘em. The nurses are tryin’ to get people out of the waiting rooms ‘cause it's so backed up,” Steve explained quietly.

 

Sam came rushing into the room and let out a relieved breath when he saw them. “There’s cops all around this place,” he panted. “But from what I _overheard_ , no one else is gettin’ arrested.”

 

“Good,” Bucky said. “Steve, can you show us where Roxie and Jessi are now?”

 

“Sure,” Steve mumbled and took Bucky’s hand in his. His knuckles had dried blood on them so Bucky was careful not to hold onto him too tightly.

 

He led them through the hall of exam rooms and they carefully avoided looking at anyone being treated. They got to the room where Roxie was and Steve knocked on the wall beside where the curtain ended. “It's Steve, Sam and Bucky are here,” he said and the curtain opened.

 

Jessi’s hair was pulled back and her eyes were red from crying. She was pale and shivering but standing tall regardless, she even smiled at them albeit faintly. “Hey, Buck,” she said, her voice was rough as sandpaper. “And you're Sam - Roxie told me all about her cute beau.”

 

Sam smiled back and said “Well, she told me about her girlfriend, so I'm thinkin’ you're Jessi.”

 

“You caught me. Thanks for comin’.” She looked down at Roxie’s hand which was entwined with her own.

 

Roxie was lying on the hospital bed sleeping, her face relaxed and body at ease. She had a split lip and her left arm was in a sling. “She broke her hand when she punched some jackass in the face, but she broke his nose,” Jessi explained and chuckled at the end. “He tried to get at me and she laid him out flat.”

 

“What a woman,” Sam said, awed.

 

“They took a while to get to her and then there were problems with paperwork, so it was a shit show. They had to set her bones and she had a panic attack so she's sleepin’ it off now.”

 

“I'm surprised they let her stay,” Bucky commented. “Hospitals like to push people out as fast as they can.”

 

“It's mainly ‘cause they fucked up her records. They didn't wanna treat her ‘cause they were confused about her bein’ in the middle of transitioning.”

 

“Transitioning?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

 

“Oh shit, I dunno if I should've said that,” Jessi chewed on her lip. “It's really her story to tell.”

 

Steve, having been silent by Bucky’s side, let out a small sob. Bucky moved to hug him, but Steve only tightened his hold on his hand and wouldn't budge.

 

“Steve?”

 

He shook his head, tears streaming down his face. “We have to be brave,” he whimpered. “But I'm scared.”

 

“We all are,” Jessi said gently. “We're lucky though, because we have each other. That's what's gonna get us through this.”

 

“We're a family,” Roxie said and surprised them all. “Especially Sam.”

 

“I'm honoured,” Sam replied.

 

“You're a little sneak,” Jessi hissed in a cute voice. “I know you would've laid there all day if you could've.”

 

“I need rest!”

 

“Silly girl.”

 

“Now let's go home,” Roxie said. “Hospitals suck.”

 

Thankfully Sam’s car was big enough to fit everyone. Bucky sat in the passenger seat and Steve, Roxie, and Jessi were all huddled together in the back. They were holding onto each other as best they could and hadn't let go for even a second.

 

“Does anyone mind if I put on the radio?” Sam asked.

 

“I think that's a great idea,” Roxie answered. “Music is the cure.”

 

Sam reached over and turned it on, turning up the volume a little. _Love is a Battlefield_ by _Pat Benatar_ started playing which felt rather fitting.

 

“We are young,” Sam said in the same tone _Pat Benatar_ did. “Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield.”

 

“We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong!” Bucky sang at the top of his lungs.

 

“Searching our hearts for so long!” Roxie joined in.

 

“Both of us knowing,” Sam sang.

 

“Love is a battlefield!” Jessi and Steve screamed at the same time.

 

They were all singing together after that, more screaming along than actual singing, but no one cared. By the end of the song they were all laughing hysterically and crying because of the day’s events. It was ridiculous and messy, but it made them feel better, and that's what mattered.

 

*****

 

In 1984 it was announced by _Margaret Heckler,_ the secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that _Dr. Robert Gallo_ and other doctors at the _National Cancer Institute_ found what was causing A.I.D.S.; a retrovirus called HTLV-III.

She also announced that a diagnostic blood test was being developed and that the goal was to produce a vaccine to combat A.I.D.S. within two years.

 

Bathhouses across the United States were closed because of “high-risk sexual activity” that happened in them.

 

Things were starting to look up, at least for the time being.

 

*****

 

Going to funerals became routine for Bucky and Steve; people they knew were dying and it was inescapable, but they were dealing with it as best as they could. More people from Steve’s house - Jack, Lucy, Briar, and Martina - and from many other houses. Balls were getting to be less frequent and with less people because of how sad and frightened everyone had become.

 

Bucky and Becca were no longer talking because of the things she'd said and surprisingly, it was better that way. Stepping away from negative things gave good things the opportunity to make themselves known.

 

Steve officially moved in with Bucky and their place became a safe space for their little group to stay; with the money they saved from splitting the rent 50/50 they bought a couch with a pull out bed and a blow up mattress. Roxie and Jessi stayed over a few times of the week when they weren't staying with Sam, and sometimes all three of them stayed. It was nice to have so many people around; they were a family and acted like one, so having a common space only made sense.

 

The best part of living together was the domesticity. Waking up and going to bed together, sharing chores, watching TV together, and everything else - it was all wonderful. Another great thing was being able to see Steve dance whenever he could.

 

Bucky had bought a _Sony Walkman_ and gave it to Steve as a gift last Christmas. He’d also gotten a few blank cassette tapes for a great price as well as a recorder and gave those to him with the _Walkman_ , and they were the perfect gift. Steve recorded music off of the radio and used it every day. Whenever his music was on, or any music for that matter, he went all in and danced like he was in a club. It was one of the best things to see- his cares were gone for the moment and he was free from everything.

 

The newest song that Steve adored was _Obsession_ by _Animotion_. It was an extremely popular song so it played on the radio all the time and Bucky personally didn't like it, but Steve fell in love with it immediately and hadn't stopped listening to it since, so he wasn't surprised to wake up and hear him singing it.

 

“You are an obsession, I cannot sleep. I am a possession, unopened at your feet...”

 

He followed the sound of his voice and found him dancing as he made breakfast. Steve couldn't cook all that well but he made a mean omelette, and he almost tried out new ingredients, so it was a bit of a mystery that was touch and go.

 

“Your face appears again, I see the beauty there,” Steve sang. “But I see danger stranger beware. Of circumstance in your naked dreams, your affection is not what it seems…” His headphones were on and he was bobbing his head, swiveling his hips in time with the beat.

 

Sometimes, at moments like that, Bucky was hit with how much he wanted to marry Steve. He wanted to buy rings and take him to a courthouse or even have a big wedding, invite all of their friends and family, and have that one special day before they truly started their lives together. It couldn't happen though and he didn't think gay marriage would ever be legalized, not with the world the way it was, so he tried not to think about it too much. It didn't work out very well most of the time regardless of how hard he tried.

 

“You're leering,” Steve sang around him without turning around. “You're burnin’ holes into my back.”

 

“S’not my fault that my boyfriend is so handsome in the morning.”

 

“Mmm, I feel the same way about you,” Steve replied.

 

“You're not even lookin’ at me.”

 

Steve looked over his shoulder. “Such a handsome man,” he cooed. “My beautiful Bucky.”

 

“Aww shucks, baby doll, you sure know how to make a fella blush,” Bucky drawled.

 

Steve rolled his eyes. “C’mere,” he said. “I missed you.”

 

His heart thudded and he walked over to him quickly. Steve wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him into a soft kiss, making his entire body go slack against him. “Love you,” Steve sighed when they parted.

 

“Love you, too.”

 

“I put carrots and ham in the omelettes.”

 

“I'm sure that'll be good,” he said and kissed him again.

 

“Toast, too,” Steve rasped. “I didn't burn it.”

 

“Awesome!”

 

Steve finished the food and plated it, and they sat down at the small table in the kitchen. The omelette was really good as well as the toast, and Bucky was very proud of him. But marriage was still on his mind, sticking onto all of thoughts and not letting him forget it.

 

“How do you feel about marriage?” he blurted.

 

Steve choked on his food and took a gulp of his orange juice. That wasn't exactly the reaction that he wanted.

 

“I think it's nice,” he replied. “It's good excuse to get all dressed up.”

 

“But would you, if you could?”

 

He looked at Bucky as if he could see straight into his chest and see his heart. It was unnerving because having someone understand you so well was frightening no matter how close you were.

 

“I would,” Steve murmured. “I really would so it sucks that it can't happen right now.”

 

Bucky held his hand out and Steve took it.

 

“You're everything to me,” he said and smiled. “Common law?”

 

Steve laughed, but his eyes were earnest. “Common law.”

 

*****

 

In 1985, the FDA announced that the first commercial blood test to detect A.I.D.S. named ELISA had been developed successfully and would start being used by blood banks. That same year the U.S. Congress set aside $70 million for A.I.D.S. research and the military announced that they would start testing recruits for A.I.D.S. and deny anyone who had it. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention made adjustments to the definition of A.I.D.S. to explicitly state that it was caused by a “newly identified virus” and made standards for blood testing across the country.

 

Later that year the U.S. Department and Human Services and the World Health Organization held the first ever conference with the specific intention of discussing the virus. President Ronald Reagan spoke about A.I.D.S. publicly for the first time in a letter to congress, and famous actor Rock Hudson died of an A.I.D.S. related illness and left $250,000 dollars to start the American Foundation for A.I.D.S. Research.

 

And Jessi proposed to Roxie.

 

*****

 

There were many legal loopholes that made it possible for Roxie and Jessi to get married, but one specifically. Because Roxie was still legally a man, the government could do nothing to stop them from getting married so long as they found an officiant willing to marry them. Darlene knew a pastor who was more than willing to do it, and a date was set.

 

Bucky was Roxie’s man of honour and Steve was Jessi’s, and Sam had walked them both down the aisle. A few of the Maximas came, including Mother Andrea, and all of Darlene’s children came as well as her granddaughter, so it was a full house.

 

The ceremony was beautiful; it was set up in a small church and had flowers everywhere, as well as an old chandelier hanging above the altar. Jessi’s dress was sewn by Mother Andrea as well as Roxie’s, Steve did their makeup, and Bucky and Darlene cooked, so everything about the wedding was a group effort. The love in every part of it was a gesture of love and hope for their future together.

 

“I promise to be the person you can come to for unconditional love and support,” Roxie vowed, her voice quivering. “You were there for me during some of my darkest times and I love you so much. You're my reason for doing most things, and without you I'm not sure where I'd be right now. But I wanted to be the one to propose, though.”

 

“You were takin’ too long!” Jessi protested, a wide smile on her face.

 

“You move too fast for me to carry out any plans!”

 

“I wasn't sure if you had any plans to begin with!” Jessi whined.

 

“I told Bucky I wanted to marry you four years ago!” Roxie shouted.

 

Jessi’s expression turned soft and she looked at Roxie earnestly. “I fucking love you, baby.”

 

“We, we're in the presence of the Lord!” she stammered, blushing. “You can't cuss!”

 

“I think the Lord is okay with cussing on such a happy day,” the Pastor said and made everyone laugh.

 

“When can I kiss the bride?” Jessi and Roxie asked in unison.

 

“When you finish your vows!”

 

It took them a second to collect themselves before Jessi started on her own vows.

 

“I met you as Brandon and I had a crush on you even though you were a bit of a mess,” she joked.

 

Roxie narrowed her eyes at her.

 

“Then I met _you_ and fell in love, because you were radiant and free and perfect and brave. You made me want to be the best I could be so I could try to catch up to you.”

 

“What do you mean _catch up to me_ ,” Roxie said and frowned. “ _I_ wanted to be worthy of _you_.”

 

Jessi sniffled and said, “Your turn is done, lemme talk.”

 

Roxie made a face but didn't say anything more.

 

“I'm gonna support you and love you forever, Roxie. Thank you for letting me.”

 

The rest of the ceremony went by quickly and they finally got to kiss, just after they exchanged rings. Everyone cheered and there were a few wolf whistles, but it was absolutely perfect.

 

*****

 

Instead of having a formal reception, Roxie and Jessi decided to hold their own ball in the small hall attached to the church.

 

There was an option invitation to anyone who wanted to come; there was food, drinks, music, and only one category - Realness. Everyone who came was challenged to dress as whatever they wanted and own it completely.

 

Steve’s choice was to wear the suit he'd worn to the ceremony but put on makeup and fix his hair, so that he was both Steve and Stevie. Bucky added Steve’s leather jacket to his suit and changed out of his dress shoes, but nothing more. Naturally Steve took care of the music by recording songs off of the radio and bringing in some records; his selection of songs was nothing short of fantastic. The hall filled faster than they'd thought because as it turned out, everyone missed that sense of belonging as much as they did.

 

 _Cherish_ by _Kool & The Gang _ was playing when Bucky asked Steve to dance. It was one of Bucky’s favourite songs and when Steve said _yes_ , it was even better.

 

“I love you,” Bucky said right into Steve’s ear and made him shiver.

 

“I love you, too,” he replied with a soft chuckle.

 

“Steve is my shepherd, I shall not want,” Bucky recited.

 

Steve had jokingly asked him to say that the first night they met and he hadn't, but he could then. If there was someone guiding him in life it was Steve; if he'd passed up on the opportunity to go dancing with him in 1981, they wouldn't have been dancing at their friend's wedding ball in 1985. They wouldn't have known each other, and there'd always be a hole in his life where that chance was gouged away.

 

“It'll be us someday,” Steve said to him. “You'll see.”

 

Bucky smiled. “Someday,” he replied and kissed him. He was willing to wait until that day came and he would be ready for it, no matter how long it took.

 

*****

 

In 2011, thirty years had passed since A.I.D.S. became an epidemic and it was still being fought but great strides had been made. There were various conferences held throughout the U.S. and the world, all of which had the aim of continuing the fight to end A.I.D.S. and HIV. On December 8th of that year, President Barack Obama announced that there would be “accelerated efforts to increase the availability of treatment to people living with HIV/A.I.D.S. in the United States” and challenged the world to continue donating to _The Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria_ and addressed Congress, asking them to make good on their past commitments.

 

The state of New York legalized same sex marriage in 2011. Bucky and Steve were in their fifties and happy in their common law marriage, but as soon as they heard the news they sprang into action. Two days later, Bucky and Steve had their engagement spoon in hand and Jessi, Roxie, Sam, and his partner Riley, and even Darlene, watching as they  _finally_   got married.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd just like to say thank you to my wonderful team of artists Iah, Amanda, and Ty for believing in this story and making really amazing art for it. Also thanks to nen and t, for the music recs and listening to me whine about things while I wrote. 
> 
> My tumblr is [fuckyfarnes](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/) so feel free to drop by ❤


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